Trust Me

April

If I thought I could feel nothing before, I was wrong. My body feels like a black hole, swallowing any happiness I have left... Any hope I have left. I am horror-struck by the question drifting aimlessly through my mind:

Is there a reason to fight anymore? Is there a reason to fight to be awake?

The sudden urge to let go of anything that is keeping me here engulfs my every cell.

How could he just leave like that? After the constant war with secrets and the constant internal battle of 'am I doing the right thing' ?

Now is when I need him the most. Does he not understand that? Does he not get that him leaving hurts me more than if he stays?

It's been two weeks since he left his mark on my wrist. I have had so much time to think about it, about everything. It hasn't left my mind for a second.

It's been tearing me apart.

That's how I've come to my conclusion... It's been tearing me apart. What has it been doing to him?

It's a relapse for him. I've experienced the minimum but he... He has had to live with it for over two years. He's started to heal. But now... It's come crashing down on him all over again.

I don't feel sorry for him. How could I? I simply understand his situation.

I've wanted nothing more than to talk and now I might never get the chance.

I hear my room's door open and shut again.

Footsteps, then a gasp.

I feel a familiar hand on my skin, wiping my cheek. That's when I realise: Have I been crying?

Meghan leaves and then returns a while later, talking to someone.

"Yes. Yes. It's a great sign!" the doctor says excitedly.

"We'll keep watching her but if this carries on she may make a full recovery"

"I'll go and call her parents! I think they are in the food court." Meghan squeaks and shuts the door again, leaving the doctor to tend to me.

It sounds like he is checking the machines, turning the pages of my chart and adjusting my cast.

Then he sighs.

"You've done so well, April. I know you can hear me and I think sometimes your family and friends forget that."

Silence.

"Don't give up. You are so close."

Has he been reading my mind?

"And I suspect this has something to do with the young man who left your room earlier. There were tears in his eyes too."

Oh.

"Everyone else will be excited because you're showing signs of complete consciousness so they will look past what the sign was. Just remember that your physical health is their priority right now."

He lays his hand on my shoulder and keeps it there a moment before leaving.

A while later Meghan returns with my parents. The doctor was right. They don't say a word about my tears, although I think I have stopped crying by now.

They spend a long time at my bedside, talking cheerily among each other.

The last thing on Meghan's mind right now is probably Luke. But at some point she is going to want to pick up our conversation from that night. I just hope that she will understand my decision.

But until then, they are words that I am both terrified by and content with.