Trust Me

Curious defences

I don't care that it's 18:00 and Meghan is probably having supper. I grab my keys and step out into my driveway. I start my car and travel the all-too-familiar road to her house.

Five minutes later I am standing at her door. I stare at the small 'Welcome!' sign stuck to the dark wood. It suddenly hits me that this visit could go in quite a few different ways:

She could be angry at him for telling me.

She could be angry at me for meeting him in the first place.

She could be too broken to talk about it or she could tell me more...

It actually doesn't matter where this goes. I wouldn't know how to react anyway. 

What are you doing here then? I ask myself. But my muscles are not in sync with my instincts which are telling me to turn around and go back. I reach forward and knock.

I hear her cheery voice from inside.

"I'm coming!"

I immediately feel a pang of guilt. I'm about to take that tone away.

The door swings open to reveal her wearing that warm smile which regretfully starts to fade when she sees my face. My eyes are probably red and my cheeks still puffy.

She doesn't say a word but understanding visibly glazes over her. I pull her into a tight hug but her body is weak. 

She knows.

Sure enough I hear her soft, muffled voice rising from the silence.

"He told you."

I can't form my thoughts into words so I nod and hope she can feel it. I let her go and she escorts me inside. 

We sit at the dining room table, facing each other. After a long time of deafening silence I speak in a crackly voice.

"I can't... I mean... I don't know what to do."

She plays with an unlit candle in the center of the table.

"Everyone warned me that he has... a history, but I never thought..." I continue but allow my words to trail off.

It's at this point that I realize that I have been brushing my fingertips over my bruised wrist and look up to find Meghan staring.

She looks up at my face and slowly starts to say, "You won't go through the same thing."

I frown slightly, confused by her statement.

"What makes you say that?"

"I believe-" She takes a slow breath. "-that he learned from the past and he is trying to change his future. He would be a fool to go to that extreme again."

"He doesn't trust himself. He hasn't forgiven himself." I remark.

"Maybe... Maybe he just needs someone to show him that he is worthy of trust."

"Is he?" 

I look her deep in the eyes. The lump in my throat solidifying with every word. I can tell that she, too, is struggling for answers.

"I don't get it." I say suddenly, "It seems to me that you're almost... Defending him."

"I've just-" She shrugs, "-gotten past it, I guess."

I am dumbfounded.

"He put you in the hospital, Meghan." The shock is clear in my voice, "How do you just 'get past that'?"

The silence settles around us again as she searches for another answer in some lost world. She breaks eye contact and refocuses her attention to the candle.

"This is crazy." I mutter after a while and stand up. "First you were telling me he's 'not right for me' and now you're defending him? After what he did? I just don't get it." 

I turn and walk back to the door.

"April." Meghan calls from behind me. 

I stop and turn my body half towards her.

"I don't think he's abusive." She states, "It was just a lapse of judgement."

"Just a lapse of judgement..." I echo her, giving a small scoff of disbelief.

I walk out and shut the door behind me.