A Long Hard Fought Journey (Completed)

Chapter 39: Cancer Sucks and Slowly Dying

A/N: This chapter is really sad. I added a song to go with it and it is called Tell Your Heart To Beat Again by Danny Gokey. Enjoy.

Cancer really sucks. I am at Stage 4 AML. Along with my brain tumor back for round 3 and it is at Stage 2. I felt so darn weak all the time it really sucks. I am supposed to take it easy but I can't. I was released from the hospital 2 days ago and all I have done is laid in bed. I can't bear to get up and I hear the kids and Casey asking Joseph if I am okay. I am but I'm not. We tried to live in the moment lest we don't know how much longer I will be here. But today we lived. Today I lived. I know you can't think like I know I'm not gonna be here much longer but it's hard not to I can barely walk on my own somedays. Somedays not at all and sometimes I can't move at all.Joseph has taken this week off and Casey now knows so she isn't leaving until I am better. I want to tell her that even though we have just met again for the first time in many years,I have had it 2 other times and I am not going to beat it this time I just know that I am not because the treatments aren't working I can tell. I have blood transfusions twice a week since I don't have a treatment right now.I am depressed and they all know it. I was up at 5 a.m. the next morning and since everyone was asleep,I am going to do something I haven't in a long time. I am going to run,it clears my mind and I have to get away from my problems,I have to get away from my fears. I closed the door quietly. I had a little of my hair back so now it was short like a boys almost but you can tell that I am a girl. I had my running clothes on. It was a little cold outside but I had a jacket on and the cold air I would breathe in was burning my lungs but it felt good. I pulled my hood up.I started to jog. I was along the road and took the route that I haven't taken in forever. My knee was hurting a lot but I didn't stop. I had taken my inhaler with me for my asthma and I took it before I started running since it helped to stop an attack. I eventually started crying again just thinking about dying soon and from the pain in my knee. I fell to the ground,crying and the pain was unbearable. I knew this was a bad idea why did I do it. I am stuck and no one is gonna find me because no one is around. I looked at my knee and it was swollen,I couldn't breathe and I felt an attack coming on. I was trying to control my breathing. I sat besides the road. I then had a seizure. Luckily,some lady was running by and saw me. She panicked and called 911 trying to help me. An ambulance came and they decided to take me to WMH. There Alexis was at the door starting to run me in. In the ER,they were checking me over. They were trying to ask my name but I was unconscious and I couldn't answer them. Alexis looked at my face,checking my pulse. She started crying and got sick right there. Her name is Izzie Stevens,she said. She went out and called Joseph who apparently has been looking for me all morning. Casey and him rushed down here. Nic,Noah,and Cassy were watching my kids. They had to take me in for surgery on my knee. I had tore a ligament and I would have to wear a knee brace for sure now. Later when I was conscious,Joseph and Casey came up. They were crying and hugging me. I had another small tumor in my brain which they removed and explained why I had a seizure. I was once again bald. I had oxygen for now since I had an asthma attack but I was going to get released. I was going to get ready to try a clinical trial. I had gotten off of one around a month ago because it made me pass out and I was severely dehydrated because I couldn't eat or drink anything without getting sick.I noticed that I had fluids and a blood transfusion flowing into me.When I went home a few days later,Casey had taken the kids with her and they were going to stay with Alexis tonight. I am limping some since my knee hurts off and on but I don't have crutches just a brace and they have removed the stitches. He had set up a remake of our honeymoon but at home. It was the happiest day of my life with cancer. I know I am dying I can tell. The treatments aren't working. I am trying to be there for Joseph and not let him know but the way he looks at me I think he does. I am so afraid of losing him.The make shift honeymoon was amazing. We went to bed that night. I knew I was slowly dying I have known that for many ages and had had a headache all day. I knew the cancer was going to win and that I was going to lose because the cancer was winning and I was losing. Cancer sucks.I felt stronger and seemed healthy but it came in a period when you are close to dying. I wasn't feeling as weak. My doctors thought I had a touch of cancer that I was living with it,not dying from it. I believe that they are wrong.That night we ate and then we kissed and kissed. I had a few tests done so we are waiting for the results and if they are worse we have to figure out where to go from there.We went to bed. He was worried about hurting my knee but I don't care because he can't hurt me or it.I laid on my side my face pressed into the pillow and my arm over my head. I knew that I was dying. I didn't think that I was going to die tonight on one of our happy moments and I didn't want to and I thought I had more time left and if I was going to die then I would've said goodbye. I didn't want to leave him and my kids but I was done. I was barely holding onto life and I knew Joseph wouldn't know until it's too late because he is still asleep. I knew I was dying but couldn't bare the pain of telling anyone and I knew at that moment that I had died.I didn't get to say goodbye which hurt the worst yet. I wished that I could tell my heart to beat again. I have 8 kids and a wonderful husband. I don't want to leave them. Although I wanted to at one point I don't want to now because I understand how precious life truly is. Joseph went to the fridge and brought in a cake so we could have dessert for breakfast. Izzie,you want to have desert for breakfast,life is to short so we can have sweets for breakfast,wake up,he said. Izzie,he asked rolling me onto my back. Iz,he shook me.He felt my chest. I was gone and I knew that I was and so did he except that he didn't want to believe it and neither did I but I will see him again I hope and I will have to make our last kiss last forever. I saw a bright light. I was greeted by family that I haven't seen in forever and they were all dead. What about my husband and kids,I asked them. Don't worry they will care for themselves,they reassured me. I watched what was happening. Joseph was by my side,he had his hand over his mouth,crying. He grabbed his phone and dialed 911. It was 7:49 a.m. 911 what is your emergency,asked the dispatcher. My--my wife,she's not breathing,he stuttered,crying,into the phone. Just now,she asked. Yes,he sobbed.An ambulance will be over,the dispatcher said before ending the call. He locked his hand with mine over my chest. He continued to cry. Holding onto me and crying and a minute later I knew it was too late I was dead. I had wrote letters exactly for this matter,I put it in my dresser and I know he will find it. They will be letters from an angel.The medics arrived and declared me dead. I was gone. Joseph called Casey. He was still crying. Casey,Izzie,-----she---she's gone,he sobbed. Joseph calm down what happened why are you crying what do you mean,she asked. Izzie,----she is----dead--------Izzie is dead,he sobbed out. She broke down and Joseph still crying a little said,don't tell the kids yet just bring them home and I will tell them. I now know what he meant when we were younger that if I died he would have too.He called Alexis,Kate and everyone,including posting to Facebook. He kept my Facebook account and never shut it down unlike my phone.Casey brought the kids home. Bailey,Mary-Kate,and Jenna were old enough to understand. They went to their room with Joseph and sat on the bed. I wasn't there they had the hearse take me away to get ready for my funeral. The medics had tried to revive me but they were to late. Kids,I am sorry,but your mommy died,she was sick,very sick and she died,he said. The kids that understood started crying and Joseph hugged them comforting them. The triplets had no idea they are still babies. April had a little bit of an idea I guess cause she was crying. Jessica didn't understand what was happening. My newborn triplets aren't going to meet their mommy until they die. I didn't have the strength to fight it. This was my final battle with cancer and I was to weak to try to fight and I lost. I lost my battle with cancer.