A Long Hard Fought Journey (Completed)

Chapter 49: Going Home Without April To Help Me With Our Baby

A/N: I added a song to this chapter and it is called What It Means To Be Loved by Mark Shultz and it seems to go with this chapter. We are almost at the end of the book. I would like to thank my best friend bls2020 for encouraging me to write this book and keeping me going with it. I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to update this chapter but I had little inspiration for this chapter and not to include that school went back in not long ago so I have a ton of homework. I'll update as soon as I can.Thanks for reading.Enjoy.

             Carson's POV

I didn't think I could feel pain this real. I never thought I could hurt this much. The only thing that is keeping me moving is my little baby girl. I can't leave her and she is the last piece of April I have. Hope Faith she is all I have from April. When we got there a doctor came out and said,we did run tests which we will get the results from in a week one of them is checking for leukemia,as of right now since it was a premature birth,the baby will have asthma all her life and may have complications with her lungs we aren't sure ,but her lungs still need help as they are developing so she is still on assisted drizzled oxygen but I think that she can go home although she is very tiny and needs warmth plus monitoring 24/7 and her oxygen until her lungs are developed which we will check every 2 weeks at her appointments,there is a chance that she may not live to be a year but if she does which I'm optimistic she will since she is the only baby I've seen to live after being born this early. The doctors decided she may do better at home as long as it is clean and sterile instead of a small plastic box for the next several months. She is going to make it she has to and I know she will she has strength she is strong.They wrote on her birth certificate Hope Faith April Stevens. I wanted her to have her mom's name in hers. I wish that April would be here or actually could be here to raise our daughter. The shock of her dying merely not a day ago is hard and every time I remember or dream it hits me hard having to wake up to the reality of the world.I just want to let it all out. To punch and scream and cry until I finally get all the pain out. Mary-Kate ended up driving with Jessica so they have her van and Jessica and her other sibling offered to drive mine and April's Red Honda home. Plus in the van we'll have more space not to include I can sit in the back with Hope. I can never give up on my daughter and I am never going to stop trying,loving,and being there for her. Whatever we go through we will go through together. This is all way to much and way to hard. The hospital loaded us down with a ton of things another reason I was grateful because in ours it would have been to crowded and then I realized it's mine because April's gone and I almost cried at that. I wrapped my baby girl in several blankets for warmth and she looked at me with her beautiful blue eyes as I held her for a moment for the first time ever before putting her in her seat. I grabbed her mini oxygen tank bag sliding it onto my shoulder and her. Mary-Kate grabbed the rest. Everyone else was at their or our house cleaning for her. I know April was this baby's mom for a few days maybe hours but she was with her. We walked slowly out to the van which was pulled up close. We are lucky that Hope has made it this far and her name fits because she has us hoping. We are hoping she can prove the doctors wrong and live past a year. They told us at her second appointment that there is a chance our baby girl may not make it past a year old maybe not even past a few days. She is there now just to get past a year. Then she will live but I'm her dad and I'm holding her close for all the time I can and I will live in every moment with her. She looks like April although she is beautiful like her mom was. Mary-Kate and I piled ourselves, Hope,and the medical supplies into the van. We had so many blankets on her to keep her warm and only cut the A/C on low. I love our baby girl an I'm going to do everything for her that I can. One thing for sure is that I am going to show her what it means to be loved. I'm barely holding on and I'm so tired of fighting off tears but yet I have to. This is so hard though. Today is the day that I brought my daughter home. Yesterday I lost the love of my life.My baby girl just needs to hold on once we get past a year we can prove the doctors wrong she can live. I know she can do this she is our child well my child because April's gone and she isn't coming back I realize that now. I just need to stay strong that's what everyone needs even though they are looking for me to break down and fall apart. I want to but I am holding back. I know that even though things are falling apart right now that they are actually falling into place. My life has fallen apart but yet I am okay.I'm not going to fall apart with it.I just can't if I do I know won't be able stop. I need to trust everyone who was related to her but I can't I trusted her the most and the way I think of it is that,I just drowned and yet while I should trust them I can't because I'm still coughing up water from the last time I drowned which was when she died in my arms. My baby girl is so tiny but cute. I'm hoping that she can prove the doctors wrong and live I can't lose her too. I'm going to be the best dad and I'm going to always be there for her. Not to include that since I'm living here with April's siblings in their childhood home that doesn't mean I have to fall apart and this place is like a mansion. Her siblings offered to move our stuff so I don't have to fall apart going into our home.We just got home. Mary Kate grabbed all of the  hospital supplies. I grabbed Hope in her car seat as she is now sleeping and her small oxygen tank. I carried it up the steps. Mary Kate grabbed the rest of it.