A Long Hard Fought Journey (Completed)

Chapter 18: Thinking and Telling

They almost spilled over when I thought about it,how  could I even think about leaving them or mostly how could I leave or leave him?He then came into the bedroom,seeing the tears in my eyes. What's wrong,you have to tell me,he questioned and stated firmly but caring.I didn't answer I was caught in my own daze of a nightmarish day dream and my own thoughts. Izzie,please answer me,I'm begging you,he said quietly but panicked.What,I asked snapping out of my daze.What's wrong please tell me,he said. I was still hesitant. He sat down next to me,with his head on his hands. He looked up at me.I'm sorry,it's just that sometimes I think I put this on myself and that no matter what you are always so nice and I feel as if I am invading in your life and messing it up,I said.Also......,I started but couldn't finish highly upset. The tears welled up again nearly spilling over. Also...I found my test results from the check up where your mom left them on the counter,I said having my composure and then losing it as a few tears started to fall down my cheeks. What--- did it----- say,he asked upset,his voice breaking. I had hit my head so hard so many times that my brain can turn deadly with seizures,it confirmed short term memory loss,a chance for lung cancer,a chance for pneumonia,and a high risk for infection,plus in my family there has always been a risk that I can get cancer,Joseph,I am so so sorry,but it had said that I had a small chance of survival and that since I am so weak that it will most likely kill me,I said trying to be strong,but became weak,sobbing and plain out bawling.I'm---sorry---for---crying---like---this---I'm----too----weak---and----I'm--going-----to----die---and----I----love----you---and I just-----started----loving this----messed up----life---I don't----want to----die or---leave you,I sobbed crying so hard I was struggling to catch my breath and was gasping in between each word or two that it was like I was stuttering. He was crying but calmly and wasn't sobbing,bawling like me. No,you are not crying because you are weak ,you are crying because you have been strong for too long and you are still strong,you are not going to die,and that you can fight this,I know you can,he said to me. You really---believe that and in me,I sobbed. Yup,he said.Well,---I will stay strong---and if it happens-----I'll----fight for you----,I sobbed into his chest.It made him smile.I started sobbing more and was crying harder.He held me tightly.Eventually,my breaths fell even,and were slow, shaky, gasps,as I slowly fell unconscious into sleep,lying in his arms. Once he was sure that I was asleep,he stood up with me curled in his arms bridal style and laid me on the bed comfortably and propped my leg up. We will just have to cherish every moment together because we have no idea how much longer we will be living this life in the healthy period not to include how long that you will be lying next to me but just know that I'll always love you and will never ever forget you if anything happens and I will get to the bottom of this,he said before kissing my forehead but after he had said that although I was asleep I wanted to cry. He walked out of the bedroom and to the kitchen waiting for Alexis. I knew I wouldn't sleep long without him. Both of our faces were still a little red from crying. No one could ever feel the pain we have gone through or understand it. Alexis came in from the car about 10 minutes later. What's going on,where's Izzie,she asked nervously. Izzie is asleep in the bedroom and how about you tell me what's going on and it may help me to understand better,he said. She looked very confused. Seeing her confused,he said,"all I will tell you is it is about her test results".Oh god,I didn't put them away,she said putting the few groceries and dinner away in the fridge. She grabbed the test results envelope and motioned for Joseph to come and sit at the table with her. Listen Joseph how did you know about them and that they came in,she asked. Izzie saw them on the counter and read them and so she was upset and told me all about it,he said.You may as well read it for yourself,she said.

It read: "We are very sorry to inform you that Izzie Paige Stevens test results were very bad and upsetting for us to see after all this young women has gone through. We regret to inform you that there are high risks that we are going to check in around 2 weeks to 2 months. One risks is that her head was hit so hard so many times that her brain and neurological system could turn deadly with seizures,she could get lung cancer,a high risk for pneumonia,a high risk for infection,and there has always been a high risk for cancer as it is in her genes and we have confirmed short term memory lost along with post-surgical amnesia. We regret to inform you that her immune system is so weak that it can kill her and survival rates are very small."

Once he had finished reading,he looked up at Alexis with tears in his eyes,dangerously close to spilling over. What if in that time it is too late and it kills her she won't even get a chance,what chance does she have and get,why did you try to hide this from us,he asked upset. Joseph,I'm sorry but we have no idea,she shouldn't really be going to school,she said. Then why let her and what about school I think it is gonna make it worse beings that she is getting really stressed,it is making her depressed and seeing this really isn't helping,and what if it makes a risk worse and it happens sooner,he asked.I will let you both stay home tomorrow to rest but Joseph I am so sorry I just didn't know how to tell you and me and the doctors were all just as upset,she said. They both broke down crying head in their hands. By the time they stopped crying,a few moments later I screamed. Nic ran into the kitchen,Mommy are you okay,why are you crying,he asked worriedly. No reason and yes so go back to your movie,she said.He ran back into the living room. Once again,the moment Nic was gone,Joseph ran to me while Alexis ran the other way to grab the medical supply bag for me. He opened the door and ran over to me. Shh....shh...Iz it's okay,you're okay,you are with me,Joseph whispered calmly. It was real,------it was real----,Jos---eph,I sobbed. I was crying hysterically. Alexis ran in quickly with the medical supplies bag,closing the door. I went into a coughing fit unable to breathe.Joseph grabbed my hand,which I grasped holding onto it tightly for dear life. Hold on,Iz,please,he said.My eyes rolled into the back of my head before I calmed down unable to breathe just as Alexis was getting ready unpacking some of the supplies that would've helped me but I passed out unconscious. Iz,he yelled,please,stay with me,but it was already to late.This cannot be goodbye,I'm not done,I'm still here,I thought,as everything faded to black. He was crying by then.Joseph help me,I'm gonna try to save her life but you have to hurry and help me,I don't know what's wrong but we have to hurry so we can get her to the hospital,Alexis said.First check her pulse,then help me carry this stuff over there,she said.He put his fingers on my neck just under my ear and behind my jaw. She has a pulse but it is weak and getting weaker plus she is hardly breathing so her breaths aren't helping her any at all either she is still alive but fading fast and barely breathing,he said as he helped to grab stuff and laid it next to the bed.Joseph grasped my hand and held it tight.He held it steady as she steadily started an IV with fluids and shot something into my vein quickly mostly for comfort I guess which I guess it was a sedative beings I felt myself slide deeper into the dreamless sleep relaxed. She had a thing with the bag over my nose,making Joseph count one,two,and then squeeze the bag so it could help me to breathe. Alexis was connecting a oxygen mask to the small cannula they kept for reasons like this. She slid the strap over the back of my head and slid it onto the lower half of my face.She took the bag thing and put it back in the medical bag. Joseph checked my pulse again which was weak and getting weaker by the second. Mom her pulse is getting weaker,he yelled to Alexis who was almost ready to go who was getting changed.