"In my Shadow" - Miya Atsumu Angst (with happy end)

Alt.01 Chapter 4: Golden Hour

Chapter 4: Golden Hour

The atmosphere was heavy almost suffocating. It was utterly too quiet for a room filled with six supposedly alive humans, Osamu included. It was their 118th meeting of a kind. Komori initiated it after he had locked himself into his apartment for over three weeks… with the result that most of his mirrors ended up broken and or thrown out. The first time they met, forced to bask in their shared grief it was overwhelming. All they had bottled up and failed to process boiled over at once. There was sobbing and screaming, arguing that only ended with more tears.

And oddly enough it helped. It hurt beyond words but it helped. Komori was right.

Shortly after they met almost daily, and Sakusa returned to the volleyball court to push through for Atsumu. Their whole team played this season for him exclaiming that he’d want them to succeed.
Shortly after Osamu opened the restaurant again. At first only occasionally, or to feed the team after the matches they fought in his brother’s name. Then with only Sato doing the cooking for a while. He still did less than before. It felt wrong when he wasn't cooking for Atsumu as well.

Even now his hands were shaking as he guided the knife through the nigiri algae. It didn't cease as he proceeded to form the rice and add filling. He made Atsumu’s favorite Onigiri.

He always did now when they met. The first time he tried after his death it took him over five hours because he broke down crying time and time again but he had been determined to finish it. He left it at a small Kitsune shrine praying his brother to suffer less pain in his next life.

He also prayed he’d be born to a brother again who could take care of him as Osamu failed to do. And he apologized so much.

They had promised each other to be reborn as twins in every life. Their souls joined and inseparable but here he was staying behind.
He had to take a step back from the stove and breathe in deeply. It was shaky and he felt tears that should have run out months ago claiming his face.
No, he wouldn't be able to recover from this. No matter how much time had passed. He looked down at his knife. His reflection stared back at him and for a moment he could still see his brother smiling as always.

How was he supposed to move on like this?

He saw it in Suna’s eyes as well. Atsumu had been his best friend and he missed him so much. Some days it got so bad he didn't even want to get out of bed but when Osamu came to his aid he pushed him away.
There was so much pain in his eyes and Osmau understood. He wouldn't want to look at himself either. That's why all the mirrors were gone from his place.

He relied almost exclusively on Komori to know he looked presentable. He relied on him for so many things these days. And he was sure without him their relationship would have long fallen apart. The pain Suna and him shared was too great to carry alone.
Only the fact the Komori was as kind and understanding as he was while knowing Atsumu the least from them saved them. He endured getting shouted at and forgave them when he had every right to be mad.

He helped dye Osamu’s hair silver again in a painful memory of the past but also to make sure he wouldn't look too alike when he did catch a glimpse of his reflection. He couldn't bear it.
But no matter how much his hair changed or how devastated he looked when all Atsumu had been was cheerful, he only ever saw him.

With a sigh, he put the knife aside and carried the tray of perfectly arranged Onigiri to their table.
You’d think that after more than six months they had gotten better but aside from having to finally accept this and not denying reality anymore little progress has been made.

Sakusa had almost looked alive during the season, burning with passion to make Atsumu's final season, the last they stood on the court together if only briefly, the best he could.
But now his eyes were vacant again. After the last ball had dropped to the ground the flame had been extinguished. He announced his retirement right then and there to the shock of everybody. No one had known of his plan though Aran and Kita must have sensed it.