Secret Admirer Diaries

page 9

2015.08.20

10:59

When I see Monster with its sister, I feel like I'm loosing it to her. They're becoming better. More friendly, more coordinated, more complete.
But when I think more, I feel that maybe I did this to Monster. Yeah, I know it's stupid but it's still a guess.
But then when I think even more, I remember that I never had any effects on Monster. So this can't be my fault.
Monster's getting colder and I don't know what I've done. All I know is that I'm unwanted, more than ever. And it hurts more than anything else.
Even though I don't know the reason and I know that these changes in Monster can't be my fault, I feel guilty and it's killing me everyday and every second.
Yeah, I know. Monster doesn't care at all, so I'm not gonna write anything that starts with "Dear Monster" anymore, but let it be the last time. I just wanna show my gratitude.

Dear Monster,
Thank you for giving me hope for a long time, even though you didn't know it.
Thank you for telling me good things and never doing them at all.
Thank you for giving me pipe dreams.
Thank you for telling me lies to hide the truth behind them because you thought it would make me happy or unaware of things that were happening around you.
Thank you for ignoring me at the wrong time and anytime you could.
Thank you for helping me last summer to forget my loss.
Thank you for showing me that I can feel jealous.
Thank you for showing me that I can cry and cry myself to sleep.
Thank you for showing me that I can do things that I wished they'll impress you while they impressed other people, but not you.
Thank you for showing me I can care so much about a person.
Thank you for showing me I can talk to myself and think like I'm talking to you.
Thank you for showing me how stupid I am.
Thank you for showing me how much I'm hateful.
Thank you for showing me what pride is exactly.
And at last but not least,
Thank you for showing me how hard I can fall in love.
With the best wishes,

~(Previous) Secret Admirer