Secret Admirer Diaries

page 13

2015.09.24

23:01

Nobody's perfect.
This is the stupidest sentence that always helps me feel better. But when I think of my past, I see that I'm the only person who really wasn't perfect. Nobody liked me. Nobody wanted me, not even my mother. she always keeps saying how her life was terrible when I was born, how she couldn't do the things she wanted because I didn't let her, how I was waisting her time, how I was pretty annoying. Nobody was happy with me. Nobody was happy that I was a girl. They thought that now that I'm a girl, I'm their doll, they can tell me what to do, they can decide everything for me, they can choose a future for me. They wanted me to become what they want. That was why, all my life, I had to play a role, because nobody liked the real me. The real me is now lost, but it shows up sometimes, only when I see someone who doesn't run away from me only because of my look, my face, my weird smile (that most of the time looks fake, while it's pretty real). Only one person got the real me. 50% got the sad me, others got the care free me who curses!
I didn't become what my parents wanted me to become. I became something that I don't like either.
But this is not the worst thing I've ever done. The worst thing was falling in love with Monster. Monster was one of them that didn't get the real me. It didn't give a damn about me, but I did anything to attract its attention. But nothing worked at all.
I'm alone, as always. I cry myself to sleep, as usual. Just because I'm rejected.
But I still have hope. I wake up every morning with the hope of seeing that one person who saw the real me. She's the reason I smile, the reason I show up in public with confidence and the reason I try to stay alive and forget about anything that makes me cry.
Monster used to be my hope, it did the same to me, but not anymore. Now Monster's the reason I cry. I'm afraid of meeting new people because of Monster.
Secret admirer is now secretly hurt, she cries secretly, she never falls in love again, she never laughs. The only thing she can do now is making people laugh. Like a lonely clown who makes people laugh, who makes them happy, who wears so much makeup to hide his face that's ruined because of crying and frowning, and to make himself look happy.

Secrets hurt us.
We all have secrets.
My secret is not hidden anymore, but it did its duty well and now I'm hurt.
Having a secret sometimes feels good, but keeping it kills you from the inside.
The point is that we have to keep a secret only if it deserves to be one.
We all tell lies.
Lies make us a different person.
But we don't have to lie to others and pretend like somebody who's not us just because people don't like the real us.
We all have power,
To wish things we like.
We all can try,
To make them come to life.
But the most important thing is that,
We all have power,
To say goodbye.

~Secret Admirer