Once Upon A Slap

(30) Fake It Until You Make It

"I'll wait outside for you." Gerard winked playfully and I laughed.

I want Cameron to help me choose lingerie.

I don't want Cameron to help me choose lingerie.

Damn it. I don't even know what I want.

I don't. I don't want Cameron to help me. I mean, it's not like we're even dating. Hell, I don't even know what we are.

Friends? No, we're too intimate.

Strangers? No, we're more than that.

Friends with benefits? I guess it fits the bill.

"Hello, my name is Janelle; let me know if you need anything." Janelle was smiling brightly, her attire quite revealing. Who am I to judge? I make reckless decisions and dress like a street walker nearly all of the time.

I scoured the store for Cameron and when I realized that Gerard had been lying to get a reaction out of me, I turned crimson. I still don't know how I feel about the fact that Cameron isn't here. Whatever. It's probably for the best anyway; he's sex on legs and I'm me. I'd be too embarrassed to even let him help me anyway. He's probably been with so many girls it's unreal.

Stop it. You will not feel insecure because of Cameron. Especially not because of Cameron. You're out of his league, not the other way around.

I tried soothing myself. I then heard a cackle and my eyes darted to the source of the noise; Gerard. He took a few strides and when he reached me, a big grin was plastered on his face.

"You really like him, don't you?" Gerard cocked his head to the side, still laughing. I hid my blush.

Why the hell am I blushing? I know I don't like him. I really don't and I can say that without a doubt.

Keep telling yourself that.

I will, you little bitch.

Yes, I'm cussing myself out. Problem? Didn't think so.

"I don't like him, Gerard." I hissed his name, glaring. My blush was long gone.

"Then you want to be fuck buddies." Gerard stated this in a 'as a matter of fact' tone. I scrunched up my face in disgust but I can't deny the fact of how good that actually sounded. Maybe that's the best I'll ever get.

"Shut up and help me already." I swatted at him, not being able to uphold my angry charade. Nobody could stay mad at Gerard; his happiness is way too infectious.

"Can I see you in the lingerie?" Gerard being the hormonal pig he is, winked suggestively.

I hit his arm, taking his question with a grain of salt. I know that almost everything that comes out of Gerard's mouth is absolute rubbish.

Honestly? I wouldn't have him any other way.
*******
After a rather successful day of shopping, I returned with bags filled with different types of lingerie. Mind you, I didn't just do this for Cameron. I did it for myself as well.

I needed this. I wanted this. It's about time I grow up and truthfully, I feel like this is a milestone for every girl. It's the leap to becoming an independent, confident and rather sexy individual. I need that confidence and I need that independence. I will not let my past affect my future any longer.

I can't live like that. I'm killing myself from the inside, wishing for a family that I know I can never have. My family died a long time ago, along with him.

No. I refuse to think of him. I will and I can block it all out until I can't remember anything. Sometimes I feel like people with short term amnesia are lucky; they get to relive their lives everyday and amend their mistakes. Then, I realize what a twisted and sick person I am and force myself to understand that I deserve this. I brought this all upon myself.