Once Upon A Slap

(34) With a Little Bit of Everything

Dear Cammie,

Do I even have the right to call you that? Cammie. It rolls off my tongue so beautifully. You give funny nicknames to friends, but we both know that you're so much more than that. You're not my friend and truly, you never will be. It's either boyfriend or nothing. My choice is clear as can be.

So I'll allow myself a moment of truth. I'll allow myself to once, just once, admit to my feelings. I like you, Cameron. I like you a lot. But alas, we're not meant to be. In other words, we were doomed from the start; a crash just waiting to happen. But even now, if I could go back and change the fact that I met you, I wouldn't. No matter what charade or front I put up and no matter how many vows I make to myself, the truth remains. I'm selfish. Despite the tears and the heartache, every last laugh and smile was undoubtedly worth it.

You are an amazing man, Cameron. You will do great things and you know how I know this? Because I saw through your walls. I saw through your charade, the same way I believe you see through mine. Sometimes, I hope that you realize I'm not leaving you because I want to. I hope that you'll force me to stay with you-tie me up, do whatever. But force me to stay. Alas, this isn't a fairytale and I'm not your princess. I'm not anybody's princess. And I'm just fine with that.

I plan on moving somewhere far, far away from here someday. You're a real catch, Cameron. I don't want to watch you get sweeped off of your feet by somebody much more worthy. I can't bear it. My life's been hell for the longest time. You were my ray  of light peeking out from behind the curtains. But now, I'm getting rid of that window for good; replacing it with dry wall like I should've ages ago. I promise I won't get in your way anymore.

Ever since I was little, I've always wanted kids. At least three. But my past has forever sealed my future; I'm not enough to be a parent. I'm scared of my own emotions for god's sake. Instead of dealing with them, I choose to run away, much like I am with you. You can't blame me, though. Running with my tail between my legs is all I know. My parents did it and as they say, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. That's another reason why I'm not capable of upholding a sweet relationship, like I know you want.

Who knows, maybe you really don't care and all that I thought I saw was just a figment of my imagination. Maybe. I really hope so because I know how long it takes to mend a broken heart. Forever. So for your sanity, I suggest you let go. You have a light inside of you; nourish it and let it grow wild and free. Happiness is contagious, you know? If you were happy, so was I. That's the only logical explanation.

I dream of a day where I could be with you because that's all I can do. Dream. After all, there's no way any of this would be a reality anyway. Thus, I might as well dream. I suggest you don't dream, though. You see, I'm already broken, so holding on won't harm me too much. Whereas you, Cameron, you're fresh. At least, from what I know. Actually, you might not be so clean-cut after all. You live with your best friend, so something must've gone wrong between you and your family. Or maybe I'm just reading too far into things. Either way, you're a breath of fresh air to me.

The wort part of letting go is know that if I don't, there's a small hope that we will be together. Although, that small speck of hope is far too small for me to take any chances on it. I'm sorry. I let you down and I let myself down. But I can't string you along because it isn't fair. I have far too much baggage and sure, if we were ever together, we could split the baggage evenly so that I don't have that big of a burden, but that isn't fair to you. Why should you have to pay the price for my cruel life choices? You deserve better than that. You deserve more than that. More than me.

My life has forced me to harden myself but you're different. You're the flower that grows in chaos. You're the epitome of peace in my mind. You're all that's keeping me sane because you're the only peaceful thing in my life. That's exactly why I can't destroy that peace. Again, it's not me being selfless with you. It's me being selfish. If I corrupt you, I ruin myself. Selfish. That's what they call it. I call it fear. Fear of all things emotional. You included.

My life is chaotic and there's no way I'll let my life corrupt you. I know that if you ever found this letter, you'd probably get mad and tell me that I have no right to make these decisions for you. But you have to understand Cameron. Otherwise, I might just lose my mind. If there was another option, I never would've stopped the pieces from falling where they may. If there was another way-no. I refuse to think like that. There is no other way, Cameron. Understand that. Understand me.

So I guess that's all I really have to say. Write, actually. There's no way I would've actually said all of this to your face. There's no way I could've. I'm a really closed up person; I don't share feelings and I don't like showing them either. I'm embarrassed of them because they make me feel vulnerable. And Cameron, that's the last thing I want to be. I know it may sound weird, but nothing has ever been closer to the truth.

At the core of everything, I'm just a lost girl in a forest trying to find her way back. There was a point in my life where I just found a nice tree in the forest and built a home, because all hope had been drained from my body. Up until I met you. Now it's all restored. Now, I need to fulfill my duty to myself and find a way back.

So, sorry. Sorry for wasting your time. I knew from the start that this wasn't going to go anywhere and I just let it play on. That was selfish of me. Time is a very valuable thing, I've come to learn. And I snatched so much of it away from you.

So, go, Cameron. I release you. Go find your dream girl and for my sake, don't let her go.

                                                                                                         With a little bit of everything,
                                                                                                                                                     Katie