Grey

14.

Dead. Their dead. You killed them.

You, killed them.

How could I not remember killing them?

It was weird, everything made sense now but on the other hand nothing made sense at all. It made sense because I now know why Dean and Sam were acting so weird that night in the impala and long after that. Or how Castiel was asking me all those questions. It all connected. But nothing made sense now because I still had no idea what I was. Or who I was for that matter. Something was wrong with me. I thought I was Bradlii Grey from Illinois, Chicago. Whose dad was an alcoholic and whose mother left her at eight years old. I thought I was just an ordinary person with a dysfunctional childhood. But no, it went beyond that. I was a murderer. 

Were chunks of my life missing? Have I killed others and just forgot?

I try to wipe the tears from my eyes as I still steer the motorcycle with one hand. It was a scary thing not knowing who you really were. I was living a lie my whole life. I mean have I always been like this? There was just this huge piece missing from my life. And I didn't even know it was missing.

I think back to the memory of Jay. Something triggered that. Another memory lost. Forgotten. And I couldn't get to it. I'm not too sure I wanted to though. I mean it must be forgotten for a reason, right? But what could be so bad to where my mind is literally with holding information from me?

No, no I didn't want to know. I couldn't. I don't think I could handle it.

I press faster on the open road. I was starting to push eighty miles. I didn't care though. I could feel the sob that had been building up in my throat start to raise up.

The pain was too much. I could feel my whole body start rapidly shaking.

Who am I?

You're a murderer.

What have I done?

You murdered people.

What am I?

A killer.

The sound of the motor started to rattle suddenly. It wasn't a good noise. The wind against my face starts to die down and suddenly I jerk the bike over causing it to swerve into the side of the road. I do it too harshly though making myself fall against the hard ground roughly as I feel the bike fall away from me.

"Dammit," I hiss hitting the ground feeling the sob finally break through.

So there I was, on the damp ground sobbing like a mess with a motorcycle out of gas. I just wanted to lay there forever. I felt like I could just stay here forever. Even though I guess it wasn't the most comfortable place ever. I just didn't know what to do or where to go. I couldn't go back to Dean and Sam. I was scared and angry. I just wanted to stay here and cry. God I am such a baby.

~

After an hour of laying there and just crying, I finally pull myself together. I pick myself up, brushing off any wet grass that clung to me. I see lights of a small city up a head so I pull my red cap out of my pack and secure it on my head before starting my long walk down the road. I wasn't sure what my plan was but all I knew is I couldn't trust myself. All knew was too keep walking. At first I was a bit hesitant to go into town, in fear of hurting people, but I was so hungry. I just needed a little bit, then I was gone. Maybe I'd camp out in the woods for a while. I don't know. All I felt like doing was disappearing. I was so terrified of hurting someone else. I obviously couldn't control this thing, whatever it was. My anxiety about it only increased as I approached the city.