a/n: this song is so beautiful, I recommend it to everyone (warning: mention of suicide)
24 floors up in some hotel room, feeling so low, some kind of muted blue
My heart was drumming in my ears, but I didn't let it bother me as I rested against the railing. Beneath me, 24 floors down, were the speeding cars. They all looked like they had a purpose, lighting up the night and zooming past one another, but never colliding.
I lifted my head and looked up at the stars. They shone so bright, and I silently wondered how many of them had already burnt out. That's how I felt" shining in the eye of the public, but inside, I just felt burnt out and used up. I couldn't keep shining for much longer, and I knew that tonight was my night to go.
I stepped onto the first railing of the balustrade, gripping the top tightly. I thought of my family: my parents, my brothers and their families. How would they remember me? Would they remember my smiling face, or my sullen eyes? All I could see were my sunken cheeks when I looked into the mirror. I didn't know how anyone could see anything else.
I stepped onto the second railing, and closed my eyes for a brief moment.
That was a mistake.
Behind my eyelids, I saw his face. My breath got caught in my chest as his voice filtered through my ears. "You don't want to die tonight," his voice murmured, as soft as a whisper, and my eyes snapped open.
Calum... The one person I'd ever truly loved. The lover I had to leave behind. It had been five years since I'd shared a moment with him, but he still haunted me from time to time.
I took a deep breath, but hesitated before lifting my foot to the third railing. I stood there, one foot on the second railing, and one floating in between the second and third ones. My eyes were trailed on the street underneath me.
I shook my head, willing his voice away from my mind, firmly planting my foot on the third railing. I knew I had to hurry, because if I lingered any longer, I would get seen by passer-by - or worse, by fans. I loved them, but I couldn't let them down more than I already had.
"Stop," his voice came again, louder than before. "Take one more breath to clear your mind."
"I'm going mad," I breathed out, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. "Absolutely mad."
Furthermore reason to do it. I opened my eyes, tearing my gaze away from the street and bringing my other foot beside the first on the third rail. Now, I could barely hold on to the top of the balustrade, and my body was curled awkwardly. I sighed, beginning to angle myself so that I could get a foot up and around the balustrade, suddenly becoming hyperaware of everything. I could hear the tv in my bedroom talking at me, droning on and on. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, rattling against the bones it was caged in. I could see his face, burned into my memory.
The last thing he had said to me was ringing through my ears, forcing me to listen to him. "Every moment's relevant," he had said, his lips moving against my forehead. "Bittersweet and delicate, but still relevant."
Suddenly, my breathing hitched, and I lost all my will to fight. My legs gave out beneath me and I almost slipped, my feet landing on the cold floor of the balcony, my fingers slipping away from the wooden top of the balustrade. I fell to the ground, my back coming to rest in the corner, against two adjacent sides of the balcony.
"Calum," I breathed out, only a few shaky breaths away from falling into heavy sobs. They engulfed my body, shaking me as the raging storm inside came bursting out, flooding my lungs and nearly suffocating me with the force of it.
When the intensity of my sobs lessened to slow whimpers, I crawled over to the door separating my balcony from my hotel room. My phone was lying discarded on the floor, beckoning me, but I refused to acknowledge it. Instead, I shakily for to my feet and walked slowly to the old, grey landline phone in my room.
Following the instructions beside the number pad, I dialled the one number I remembered by heart, pressing the receiver to my ear with a trembling hand. I sunk down to the floor as it rang... Rang... Rang... When finally someone picked up.
"Hello?" a soft voice asked from the other end of the line.
"Hello... Can I- Can I speak to Calum?"
I knew it was late at night and I knew I should have apologised, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.
The woman on the other end seemed to hesitate before she answered me affirmatively, and I was left with empty noise, matching the emptiness I felt inside of me.
Then, his voice came, rough and low. "Hello?" he grumbled, sounding annoyed.
"Calum..." I breathed out, closing my eyes as the beating of my heart made itself prominent once again. "It's Luke."
He was silent for a moment before he mumbled, "I know."
I let out a breathy chuckle. My mind was reeling. "I was going to die tonight."
"What?" Calum's voice was quiet, worry dripping off of each syllable. "Luke... Don't tell me..."
"Yeah," I murmured, opening my eyes and staring at the tv. "I was going to jump. 24 floors, up from my hotel room, down to the speeding cars underneath me."
Calum's voice was strained and tired when he asked, "Why are you telling me this, Luke?"
"Because I'm crazy, but you... The last words you ever said to me... Those stopped me."
"Every moment's relevant," he breathed out.
"You remember."
"I could never forget." There was a splattering of hurt tainting his firm tone.
"I'm coming back, Calum."
"Don't."
The word pressed down like a led weight on my chest, and I had to struggle to get my next word out. "What?"
"Don't come just to leave again."
"I won't leave this time."
The line was silent. I looked over at the door to the baclony, at the pitch black night outside. It seemed to go on forever, immortal amongst us ephemeral beings.
"I'll come to you tomorrow," he breathed out finally, surprising me.
My eyes had moved, trailed on the railing of the balcony, as I answered in a quiet voice, "Tomorrow may not come again."
