Misfit (Phan AU)

Chapter Twenty-Two

strap in and get ready for the inner-monologue filled ride of ur life

*Dan's POV*

I aspired to be a lot of things, believe it or not, even if I'd primarily resigned to my current state, that didn't mean I was entirely incapable of wishing for better circumstances. I wanted to exercise regularly and lose the pudgy stomach I'd started to grow in the past year or so, I wanted to pursue a career that actually held opportunities to progress rather than the dead-end path I was currently following with this whole graphic design thing I wasn't even interested in, and I wanted to learn to play the piano beyond the limited shitty self-taught amount I knew now.

But mostly, more than all of that, I would kill to be one of those folks that followed routine. You know, so I wouldn't be waking up bunched into an uncomfortable ball on my couch just after noon on what I figured was probably a Monday, awoken solely because of a rather loud commercial blasting through the television I'd left on last night, some high-pitched feminine voice recommending insurance that I definitely couldn't afford to look into.

Oh, what I'd give to be one of those people that had their shit together, it was a dream and a half. Of course, I didn't bother sitting around thinking about it a lot, it only proved to spur on mid-life crisis's a few years too early, and the added stress didn't really aid me in changing anything, it only made my current situation seem worse. So, mostly, I ignored that voice in the back of my mind insisting that I was wasting my youth, the same way I ignored anything that made me question my current way of living. It was just easier that way.

Besides, it's not like it was just a matter of laziness, the hurdles I was facing were far more difficult to surpass than that. Sure, people told me all the time that if they managed to get through their early years then I could too, but somehow the sentiment just didn't have the impact they were after when my problems were, quite literally, from an entirely different dimension.

I'm more than certain that their pep talks were catering toward figuring out how to do your taxes and what kind of career path is right for you, not what to do when you're faced with clingy spirits at the supermarket that were almost definitely murderers in their past life.

Things could be even less pleasant though, I shouldn't complain about a few mortifying encounters with potential ex-convicts and kinks in my neck from immaturely passing out on the couch when there are people without so much as a roof over their head. People have it worse. I mean, some people also have it a hell of a lot better, but that's life. I fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum and I just have to accept that, that's the way of thinking I'd been taught my entire life.

What did aspirations ever do for anyone anyway? You know, aside from making their current circumstances seem infinitely less appealing than they could be. I settle, it's what I've always done and what I'll continue to do. I can't afford to try for anything more, financially or mentally.

Damn that stupid insurance commercial, not only did it interrupt my peaceful longer-than-necessary slumber, it sent me on a downward spiral of self-pity that I definitely did not need so soon after regaining consciousness. Maybe I should be more careful about leaving the TV on at night, not to save on the power bills or anything, but out of concern for what I'll wake up to.

It's painstakingly easy to ruin entire days for me if they happen to start off on the wrong path, and I fear this one is already beyond the point of saving before I've even had the chance to open my eyes.

I sighed softly, the noise coming out disgruntled after resting my vocal cords for so long. Not that it mattered, no one was around to hear it anyway, judging by the fact that it was the television to wake me and not the familiar voice of a gleeful ghost. I clumsily fumbled my hand out from under the blankets to rub at my eyes, unimpressed by how strained and tired they still felt despite just waking up so late in the day.