Misfit (Phan AU)

Chapter Forty-Four

a/n: um kali?? is this an early update or a late update?? who fuckin knows my man

*Phil's POV*

The quick trip from the kitchen table to the front door felt a lot longer than it normally would, seemed a lot longer than it had the thousands of times I had surely followed the same path during the decades I'd spent living in this house. Part of it was probably trying to decide whether there were actually words in the English language that could express how I felt about the tangled web of a relationship I found myself caught up in, but a lot of it was simply leaving Dan alone with my family.

I'd been so focused on myself through the entire meal, thinking about the less than overjoyed reaction my father had given to my unofficial coming out moment. That was a big deal, of course, I wasn't going to belittle my own struggles... not in the way I'd belittled Dan's unknowingly. It never even occurred to me that the things I'd been saying could have hurt him, that he had an entirely unique and real set of insecurities of his own that were surely being hit with each blow my father's words dealt. I wouldn't allow myself to make that mistake again, I'd be there for him no matter how other people interpreted the interaction.

There was simply the tiny little matter of dealing with my very real and very present girlfriend of sorts, preferably in a way that didn't involve permanent scarring on either side. I didn't want to hurt her, but in order to pull that off I'd surely have to get over my own childish hesitancy. I needed to be honest with her, that was the best way to approach this.

I took a deep breath as I came to stand on the other side of the door, allowing my eyes to fall shut and savor the last moment before I had to face the issue I'd been putting off for a selfish amount of time. I pulled the door open with a tight-lipped smile, well-aware of the fact it wouldn't be reaching my eyes any time soon. I started speaking before I'd even looked up at her, though the words leaving my lips sounded awfully familiar.

"Hi Janice, now isn't really a good ti-" I wasn't entirely sure whether I became self-aware abruptly and cut myself off before I could do anymore damage, or if the feeling of her unimpressed eyes boring into the top of my head started to get to me. In the end, I forced myself to stop speaking and reconsider deeply before continuing. That hadn't been the path to a resolution, it just sounded like more excuses, another attempt at dodging my responsibility.

I steeled the remainder of my nerves and looked up, not entirely surprised to see Janice sporting an expression that validated every bit of criticism I'd just given myself. I offered a sheepish smile, stepping aside and gesturing vaguely into the house. She nodded, stepping inside and wiping her shoes off on the mat.

"We need to talk and I'm not leaving until we do." She explained under her breath, in a way that left me stumbling after her and wondering if I'd even been meant to hear that. I didn't even have to invite her inside really, she simply made herself at home and strolled steadily toward the kitchen without showing any form of hesitation. I glared down at my feet as I walked after her, wringing my hands together behind my back.

I looked up as she rounded the corner, finding satisfaction in watching shock grace her features as she realized just how many people were present. The expression was quick to correct itself though, replaced by an approachable warm smile like the one she'd offered me the first time we'd met. And many times after that, if I was being honest.

My parents were right about one thing, she was far from the worst person I could have expressed interest in. That didn't change the fact that it wasn't genuine though, that we both surely deserved better than faking it. She wasn't evil though, not by any means, didn't deserve all that I'd put her through simply because I couldn't summon the courage to tell her how I actually felt.