Alone With Ross

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May 28th, 2012
When I was younger, and I felt upset, I had no one to turn to. At an early age I learned that there were few people in my life who actually gave a shit.

But now that I actually have someone, it makes me feel greedy every time I turn to him.

"Caspian, come on, the flight's boarding." Ross tugged at my hand and I shook my head out of the negative thoughts.

I haven't told him exactly what went down between me and my mother, and I don't really want to. I need to stop zoning out or he's going to worry.

"Hey Cass? What do you want to drink?"

"Water."

I can't help it. I keep fading back and forth from my thoughts and reality. It's actually making me sick. My brain feels as if someone were pounding a mallet on it, and my stomach keeps churning.

That was by far the worst experience and I just want to forget about it, I just want to go back to a point where I never met her, where I never met that woman who is supposedly my mother.

But I can't erase it from my mind. I just can't ignore the fact that, that lady was indeed my mother, who quite bluntly told me she never wanted to come back for me.

I mean, when I was little I actually used to think depressing shit, like 'What if the reason they left was because they didn't like me?'

And she just brought out all of those past insecurities making me actually feel worthless.

My own mother didn't want me, and it makes me wonder what kind of guy my father really was.

I don't exactly recall much about him because he was always gone doing lab work, I'd usually only see him during dinner.

But did he not want to come back home just as much as my mother?

He must've.

"Cass?"

Shit, I did it again.

"Hmm?"

Ross just grabbed my hand and laid his head back against the seat. "I'm going to take a nap. Love you."

I laughed a bit as I shook my head. "I love you too. Have a nice nap."

I sighed in relief that he wasn't going to question me. But since Ross is such a sweetheart, he's probably giving me time to think before he pounces me with questions.

***
May 29th, 2012

"Okay, enough."

I was snapped out of my thoughts again as I was grabbed by Ross and thrown over his shoulder. "What the hell!?"

He quickly walked into our room and kicked the door shut behind him. "You're talking, I'm tired of you zoning out all the time."

"I knew this would happen." I muttered as he sat me upright on my bed and he sat across from me on his own.

"What's gotten you all shaken up from the hospital?" He finally asked.

I bit the inside of my cheek. "My mother." I said simply.

"So, what happened?" He urged me.

And at this point I was debating if I should unleash this new problem on him, or if I should just feed him something else. And I went with the latter.

"It just sucked saying goodbye." I shrugged. My last words to my mother going through my head.

Rot in hell.

"Oh, come here." He held his arms open and I laughed going into his arms.

"I'm fine, I really am. This is just one of those times where I can't get my brain to shut up." I sighed. feeling slightly guilty for lying to him.
***