She's Gone and I'm Lost

04 | Will

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04 | Will

December 24th | 2:12 am

She loved to draw. And she was good at it too. So good, that I thought she was giving life to the paper. With every stroke of the pencil, every smudge of the eraser, she was creating a master piece, whether she knew it or not. She showed me her portraits, but they were never her, just some person she made up in her mind. And they were perfect. She was too modest to accept that, no matter how many times I told her. But she never showed me her secret sketch book, the one she hid behind the framed picture on her bed side table. The pictures she hid were, if possible, even more beautiful. They were drawings of the stars. I could only imagine how long it took to shade in the night sky. And the stars were perfectly aligned with the ones in the sky. It was a star map.

I could imagine her, lying in the grass, staring up at the heavens, and then drawing stars on her paper where they were meant to be. I could imagine her frustration at how she could never capture the chaos, just the beauty.

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I realize that I haven't actually talked about Alex's death yet. She was dead at this point in the story, but I didn't know it yet. That's why I haven't talked about it yet. And I guess, in a way, I still don't want to write it out. I feel as if putting the story into words will seal her fate, make it permanent and everlasting. I know that these things have already become of themselves, but it's easier to think that there's still a way to change it, even though there isn't. No one wants to admit that they're all alone. No wants the person that they care the most about to be gone forever. No one wants the stars in their night sky to burn out. Dr. Barnes said it will help. She thinks when I was talking about it, I just stated the facts. She says I didn't show enough emotion. Apparently, journals help you express emotion. So I suppose I should get along with the story, to the part where I find out Alex had died.

When school was finally over, I got in my truck and waited for Marleen since I was her ride home. I kept thinking over the events of the day. A lot of people had asked me about Alex, but none sounded sincere about it. Well, other than Will. I hadn't told anyone anything other than the small amount of information I gave Will. Because that's all I knew. I didn't know where or why Alex had left, I just knew that they hadn't found her yet. Even teachers had been snooping for information.

Wait, I take back the part about Will being the only one who sounded sincere. There was one other person.

Peter.

He looked hurt that we had lied to him the night before, but he also looked sympathetic and worried. It's crazy, the amount of worry a guy has to go through just to realize he likes a girl. And poor Alex. This whole time she thought that he didn't even know she existed. I remember thinking that as soon as she got back, I was going to yell at her, and then tell her all about how worried Peter was. Too bad I never got the chance to.

When Marleen came out of the school, she silently slipped into the truck and sighed. The day was over, or at least the school part of it was. And to make it even better, it was the last day of school before winter break. We didn't have to deal with prying peers for a while. And hopefully Alex would be back by then.

"If I had a penny for every time someone asked me about Alex today, I'd be rich," Marleen greeted.

"We would be rich together," I replied with a small smile. I kept looking at the rear view mirror. Alex usually sat in the back seat, and I guess I expected to see her every time I looked back. I wanted to see her green eyes and lopsided smile more than ever. I didn't though. Alex wasn't here. "And only two of them sounded like they actually cared."