She's Gone and I'm Lost

11 | the drive

dedicated to istolethecookiez for writing awesome books. ("Forever and Always, Olive" is one of personal favorites)

11 | the drive

January 1st | 8:01 am

Dr. Barnes told me to limit myself to one journal entry each day, and only if I was feeling up to the effort. She says that she doesn't want to 'strain my emotions' too much. She thinks I'm delicate and breakable, and maybe I am. But I don't care. I've been doing what she wants, I've been taking my time. But I'm tired of dragging out the story when I know that there's nothing I can do to change the ending. So, what's the point? That's why I've decided to get this over with. The sooner, the better. So, I guess this is my second entry today, and I might write more. Anyway, here it is.

After I had taken a shower that night, I got dressed and crawled into my bed. I was overcome with a feeling of loneliness. Even though there were three other people in the house, I only felt solitude. I stared at my ceiling. I noticed a chip in the white paint, shown by the moonlight shining through the window. The glow was cast over the entire room, giving it an ominous look. I stared at the chip, the flaw. I wondered how it came to be, I certainly didn't remember it being there. And then I heard a voice.

"It's your entire fault, you know." I bolted upright in my bed, and if I hadn't recognized the voice, I might've screamed. But I knew that voice, it was Alex. Just like at the gas station, the illusion was coming back. And deep down, I knew this wasn't Alex. Even if her death was my fault, she still wouldn't blame me. That's how I knew that all of this wasn't real. Alex, her illusion, was sitting on the chair at my desk.

"Am I dreaming?" I asked. I was hoping this was a dream, that I wasn't imaging her in real life like I had before. But I also knew that if this was a dream, we would both be on a cliff overlooking the water.

"No," Alex said. "I'm a figment of your imagination, a coping mechanism."

"Coping mechanism?" I asked.

"You don't want to move on, so your brain created me. I'm just a thin fabrication placed in reality."

"Oh," I said. I hadn't been expecting that. I was expecting her to keep telling me I was the cause of her death like she had before.

"Go to sleep, Danika. You look like a zombie."

This was so confusing. Before, this illusion of Alex had resented me, hated me. And now, everything was different. Was she being... nice? I decided not to respond. I needed to get her out of my head. I didn't need everyone to think I was crazy. So I did exactly what she said, I went to sleep.

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I was awoken the next morning by a hand shaking my shoulder. They were saying my name. I opened my eyes to see Marleen. She was already dressed and ready for the day. I quickly sat up and rubbed the sleepiness from my eyes. I remembered Alex's visit to my room the day before, and I decided not to tell Marleen. There was no use in worrying her.

"We need to call Will," she said, sounding impatient. I could tell she was itching to get out of here.

"Okay," I said. I got up and picked up my coat that was draped across my desk chair. I saw a flashback of Alex sitting there the night before. Shaking the thought from my head, I pulled the slip of paper out of the pocket on the coat. Alex's star map was also in the pocket. I handed the slip to Marleen and she quickly pulled out her phone, dialing the numbers that were scrawled across the paper. She put the phone on speaker so we could both hear.