She's Gone and I'm Lost

20 | the end

dedicated to every single one of the people reading this right now. because without you, i would just be a lonely kristen with an idea and no one to express it to :')

20 | the end

January 2nd | 4:57 pm

I didn't speak much after I left Dr. Barnes's office. My mom was waiting in her car in the parking lot. When I got in, she asked me how it went and I said it was okay. I guess she sensed that I didn't want to talk about it because she started talking about herself. That was one of my mom's many talents. She could take something about anyone, and turn it into something about herself. Apparently she skipped her shift at the hospital just so that she could pick me up. That made me feel kind of bad, even though I didn't ask her to do it.

And then when I got home I ate lunch with my family. I actually had wanted to go to my room, but my parents weren't having any of that. After they finally let me leave the kitchen, I went up to my room but I didn't stay there for long. That was because Alex was sitting on my bed when I got there.

"Let's go," she said.

"Where?" I asked.

"I'll show you the way."

So I sneaked out of my house, which was actually kind of easy. I was sure that my parents were somewhere, talking about me behind my back. And I don't really know where Stella was. So I just walked out the front door. And, if I'm being completely honest, I was kind of wishing that someone would stop me. But nobody noticed that I left.

| 8:14 pm |

I finally made it. It took many tears, miles, and gas stops. But I have finally gotten to the place that I've wanted to go to for so long. I parked my truck in the parking lot of some convenience store a little while away. Then I walked the rest of the way here. I was almost hit by a car, multiple times. But I made it.

I'm on the bridge. The one that Alex stood on over a year ago.

I wanted to know what it was like to face Death, to look him right in the eye. So, here I am. As I write this, I am sat on the railing of the bridge. I would stand, but I'm too tired. When Alex stood here, her intention was to jump, to end her life. But Will saw her and he stopped her. And I'm grateful for that. I called Will on my way here. I told him that I was sorry, although I'm not sure what I'm sorry for. And I thanked him for trying to save her when I couldn't. I also called Marleen and said that I was sorry. I think I was crying, I don't really remember. They keep calling me but I'm not going to answer. They deserve better.

I thought that Will had saved Alex. But really, he just postponed the inevitable. When Alex makes up her mind, she follows through.

I visited Mrs. Drago yesterday after school. She was a mess. She was alone. I asked her if she believed it, if she believed that Alex died from a heart attack. She told me that she did. But she thinks that there's more to it. I won't go into details, but I think that she was right. And then she started crying. And I started crying.

I thought that I had found out everything about Alex. Even her secret life. But she had one more thing that she never told me, she never told anyone. Except Dr. Barnes, that is. I was at school and the girl named Amy came up to me. The one that writes for the school newspaper. She called me hateful names that I will not repeat. She spread rumors about me that were definitely not true. And she told me that I should kill myself like Alex did. So now I know that she used to bully Alex too.

The worst part is, Marleen got in a fight with her mom. The result was that she has to go to a different school. A more 'prestigious' school, as Mrs. Carpenter puts it. She's angry, she says she hates her mom. I know she doesn't mean it. We still hang out, just not as much.

So now, I'm alone at school. Will has offered to sit with me at lunch, but I decline. It would only start more rumors. When I called Will, it went something like this;

"Hello?" he answered.

"I'm sorry, Will."

"What? What's wrong?"

"Everything, Will. Everything is falling apart."

And I think I hung up after that. I don't really remember. He keeps calling me and I think, deep down, he knows where I am. He knows what I'm here to do.

And I think I finally understand.

Mrs. Johnson said that Daniel's friend, Amelia, had tried to end her life. She said that the guilt was too much to handle because she thought that her friend was dead and that it was her fault. I didn't understand this at the time. But now I do. Because I think that's the main reason why I'm here. Because Alex is gone and it's my fault. I was a horrible friend, I was too unobservant. But Daniel wasn't dead, so Amelia had a reason to live.

And I know that Alex is gone, so what's my reason? My parents are fighting because of me. My mom is the one that wanted me to go to a therapist, but my dad doesn't want me to. They think I don't notice, but they're constantly at war over it. I don't want my parents to argue because of me.

And Stella deserves a better sister. One that has more time for her. And I can only hope that Marleen will hang out with her when I'm gone. She was always kind to Stella, and I hope that she will continue to do so.

Isaac called me two days ago. He told me that Alex's father died. And I finally understood why he left his wife. When he found out he was sick, he didn't want to worry his family. So he left. He thought that if they never knew what was wrong, it would make his death less painful for them. But I don't think that Mrs. Drago knows he's dead yet.

Alex is sitting beside me right now. She's talking about how he's in a better place. How she is in a better place. And I wonder if it's as great as they make it seem.

As I look down at my dangling feet, I can see the water far beneath me. It's a blue-grey color, just like in my dream. But there are no rocks. I wonder what would happen if I jumped. Would I die immediately? If not, I'm too weak to swim for long. I guess I'll find out soon enough.

I would just like to say that if you find this journal, I never meant for it to be a suicide note. I just wanted to share my story, like my therapist told me to. I wonder if my parents will be mad at Dr. Barnes for not saving me. I hope they don't. It isn't her fault, this is my choice.

I wonder how long it will take for them to realize that I am gone. I wonder if they will ever find me. And I wonder if I will have a funeral. Would anyone come to it?

It's dark outside by now and I can barely see the page in front of me. It's a cold night, so cold that I'm afraid that I'll freeze, especially out here by the water. And it's a foggy night, too. It's the thick kind of fog, the kind that covers up the stars. I don't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. Whether I should be grateful or not.

Alex is holding out her hand now. I can already imagine what will happen. I will take her hand, and we will jump together. And then I will see if this 'better place' really is better. So, this is me letting go and holding on at the same time. This is me saying goodbye and that I'm sorry. Because I want to be found.

Because she's gone and I'm lost.

| end of book |

Author's Note:
oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my fluffing gosh. it's over. it's actually over. well, technically i still have to write another part for the #NoMoreBullying campaign. but still. woah.

i'd just like to thank everyone who took the time to read my amateur writing skills. keep in mind, this is just a first draft, it's not supposed to be perfect. if you came over here to read this after reading 'The Story of Daniel' then thank you for sticking with me through two books. and if this was your first time reading one of my works, i still want to thank you.

this was the last official chapter but i'm still going to write a few more parts so bare with me for just a little longer.

thank you again

peace out

-Kristen