She's Gone and I'm Lost

06 | the fall

dedicated to cgmanatee03 for staying by my side through everything

06 | the fall

December 28th | 2:21 pm

I haven't written in this journal for three days. Ever since I wrote those words that Cecile had said to me that day, I haven't been able to find the courage to continue. But I met with Dr. Barnes earlier today and she really wants me to continue writing, so here I am, writing.

When I heard Cecile say those three words, my peaceful aura was gone. Everything was chaos, and not the beautiful kind. And at the same time, it seemed to be in slow motion. Time seemed to slow as the following events happened. First, I dropped the phone. It slowly fell from my ear and crashed to the ground at my feet. Then, I felt myself falling. And in the process, I pulled the frying pan down with me. I had been holding the handle and hadn't let go when I fell. A searing pain shot through my left hand and arm as the hot pan came in contact with it. I might have screamed, but I don't really know. I just knew that Cecile had just said those three words that took my world, and smashed it to pieces. Alex is dead.

It was official, the stars in my night sky had burned out. The moon didn't provide enough light, so I was lost in the vast darkness. Alex was gone, and I was lost.

The last thing I saw before my eyes shut was a head of curly blonde hair. I thought about Marleen's promise. She said we would find Alex, she was wrong. Alex was dead.

| | | | |

I woke up to a bright light. At first I thought that I was dead, but I wasn't. Alex was dead, not me.

I looked around the white room, and realized I was in a hospital. My cheeks were wet with tears, I had been crying in my sleep. You know that it's bad when you've cried while unconscious. And I think that having your best friend die definitely classifies as bad. I noticed a few people in the room. Marleen was sat in a chair, looking at her feet. I couldn't see her face, but I knew from her posture that she was silently crying. My dad was talking with a doctor in the hallway. I could see them through the open door. I picked up on a few words, but not enough to make sense. My head was pounding. It felt like it was stuffed with cotton balls, making it difficult to hear. I tried to sit up, but felt nauseous and the hand I leaned on flared with pain. I let out a small yelp and everyone in the room became aware that I was awake. Marleen looked up at me, tear stained cheeks that matched my own.

I saw sorrow in her blue eyes. And in that moment I knew that it wasn't a dream, Alex was dead.

My dad walked into the room with a few, quick strides and hugged me, but when his hand brushed the side of my head, I cried out again. He immediately released me and looked back at the doctor with a questioning expression and worry evident on his face.

A long talk, and many tears later, I found out that I had taken quite the fall. Since I had taken the hot frying pan down with me, it seared my left hand and arm, causing a second degree burn. When I fell, I smacked my head on the table, resulting in a minor concussion. And through the pain I cried. But I didn't cry because of the pain in my arm or head, I cried because of the pain in my chest, the absence that Alex had left in my heart.

And Marleen sat on the bed beside me and we cried together. The sky and the moon had lost the stars, and it would never be the same without them. Marleen was the one who found me collapsed on the kitchen floor. She didn't know what had happened. When she called my dad, he had told her about Alex. Marleen held herself together long enough to drive me to that hospital and the second she sat in that chair in the waiting room, she broke. The walls came tumbling down.