She's Gone and I'm Lost

19 | Dr. Barnes

dedicated to TahliePurvis because I've been reading "The Peter Pan Effect" since the beginning and it's so fluffing fabulous

19 | Dr. Barnes

January 1st | 5:13 pm

There's always that moment after you figure something out; that moment of realization where everything becomes clear. It's so quiet that you could hear a pin drop from a mile away and you just stare at whatever's in front of you like your life depends on it. And then you just want to tell someone, you want to stand on the roof of the tallest building in the world and scream from the top of your lungs, "Hey, everybody! I figured it out!" And then your life suddenly feels complete, just for that one moment.

That was not at all what this was like.

It was silent, yes. And I was staring at the wall in front of me, yes. But my life most definitely did not feel complete. And I didn't want to scream it from the rooftops because it was too sad and what's the point in making other people sad? So I ended up calling a person that was already unhappy so that I wouldn't ruin anyone else's day. I didn't want to cloud up someone's sunshine. And that's how I ended up calling Will.

The phone rang and rang until he finally answered on the other side. "Hello?" he asked. His voice sounded tired and I realized that I had woken him. I glanced at the clock, only to see that it was past midnight.

"Will. I'm... I'm sorry I woke you up. I'll go-"

"Danika." He said my name with authority, like he was ordering me not to hang up. And I was kind of grateful for that. I didn't want to be alone at the moment. "What happened?" Now he sounded concerned, but not sympathetic. I was grateful for that, too.

"She killed herself," I told him. My voice came out shakier than I wanted it to.

"What are you talking about?" Will asked.

"Alex killed herself," I said, my words wobbled out of my mouth uneasily.

I heard Will curse under his breath and then say, "Where are you?"

"Home."

"Okay, stay there. I'm coming," he said.

"No. No, you don't have to do that. I just wanted to hear someone's voice. I didn't like it being so silent."

"Okay," Will said. He let out a long breath. "Okay."

"Okay," I said.

He chuckled a little, humorlessly. "Why did you call me?"

"Why wouldn't I?" Because I can't trust you. Because you can't keep a secret. Because I barely know you.

"I would've thought you'd call Marleen."

"She looked tired when she left."

"And you aren't?"

"No," I said.

"I'm sorry," he suddenly said.

"For what?"

"I'm sorry that Naomi said that in front of you."

"Said what?"

"That Alex... committed."

"Oh," I said. "That's not what made me sure that it was true. I didn't even believe Naomi when she said it."

"Oh, then why are you sure of it now?"

"The journals. The black... and the blue..."

"Danika."