She's Gone and I'm Lost

03 | the birthday card

dedicated to victoriamakuchal for being her awesome, supportive self

03 | the birthday card

December 23rd | 2:51 am

The next morning I woke up disoriented at nearly three. I had dreamed of Alex. But it wasn't a nice dream, and it wasn't bad either, it was just weird. Alex was stood on a cliff, brown choppy hair plowing in the wind. She was just there, staring out at the water. I was there too, but far away from her. When I tried to move, I couldn't. When I tried to talk, I couldn't. And then she jumped. She didn't even look back at me, as if she didn't know I was there. Alex didn't hurdle herself into the water with force, she took light steps until she had walked straight off the edge. And I thought, maybe, she would land in the water and then come back up. But she never did. Alex never came back up.

I've had that dream every night since she died. That same dream. It made absolutely no sense.

I sat up in bed and saw that I was dressed in the same clothes as the day before. Marleen is sleeping beside me. I get out of bed and head to my desk, looking for a distraction. Anything to keep my mind far away from that dream. That hypnotic dream that I couldn't make any sense of. I was hoping that the events of the day before were just a dream, but I knew they weren't. I open my laptop and check my email. There's nothing interesting. I see that someone has sent me a link, but I don't recognize the email address. I click it and it opens up a page on some social media site. I don't remember which one, I was too busy thinking to notice. I start reading off the screen in front of me and my stomach clenches. It's about Alex. Those people in my kitchen the night before must have heard about her and decided to tell the whole school. Everyone is saying bad things about her. They say that she's just doing it for attention. They say that she's mentally unstable. I feel like I'm going to throw up, so I slam the laptop shut. Why would they do this to her? I had noticed in the last month or so that Alex had withdrawn slightly from everyone, including Marleen and I. That's what made me so worried. I had no idea what was going on.

Something catches my attention from the corner of my eye, a white envelope with my name written on it in loopy cursive. Alex's hand writing. I suddenly remember that it's my birthday card, I had forgotten about it. I was ordered not to open it till after the party, well the party was over. But what if Alex wanted to be there when I opened it? But then another thought hit me. What if it said something about where she was? The curiosity got the best of me. I used my finger nail to rip open the envelope and I peered inside. It had a green card inside that read 'Happy Birthday' with a picture of a tiny cake at the bottom. I pulled out the card and opened it. On the left side it read,

'Happy birthday, Danika! I hope you have the best sweet seventeen ever!'

The message was enough to bring tears to my eyes. I wondered if this would be the last thing Alex would ever write to me. It wasn't, but I didn't know that at the time. On the right hand side of the card there was a little sketch of three girls with party hats on, wide smiles on their faces. I knew that it was meant to be Alex, Marleen, and I celebrating my birthday. This made the tears come to my eyes again and as hard as I tried to keep them in, my efforts failed. I felt one tear fall down and leave a trail across my cheek. The numbness from the day before was gone. I was about to put the card down and get a tissue when I felt something brush my finger. There was something on the back of the card. My heart was beating fast and I quickly flipped it over to reveal what it was.

There was a piece of paper, noticeably ripped from a notebook, taped to the back. I was shocked, what was it? I cautiously peeled back the tape, careful not to rip the paper. Then, I unfolded it to reveal its content. I instantly noticed the loopy cursive that I knew belonged to Alex. But it didn't look as neat as usual, it looked rushed. As if she had written the note in a hurry.