Illuminated // Phan (boyxboy)

Chapter 19- Character Asks!

An: I hate character asks so badly but you guys have  filled my tumblr inbox with messages to do one since chapter six so I guess it's long overdue! Enjoy x

Scott - Why did you feel so strongly towards Phil when he arrived in the home?

Before Phil arrived I had an urgent child protection meeting that consisted of three police members, two child protection officers, Phil's teacher, headmaster and also the school nurse. Immediately I was told the severity of Phil's case and I remember being sat there and being told, "We do not call children broken, but Phil is on that route." And immediately I started to hurt because it's never easy being told that a child is being brought into care because their life has so many hardships but it's a whole new kind of hurt to be told that a child has been abused. It makes the world feel like it's falling down on you and it's so utterly incomprehensible to try and work out why anyone would ever want to hurt a child. The day Phil was set to arrived I had spent more time on preparing a child's room than I ever have before; Phil is our only abused child in the home as because of the severity of the abuse that is directly hinted to us as a result of the amount of therapy he has and the nightmares - essentially everything points to direct abuse and therefore we cannot take in another abused child in our home as it isn't the biggest care home in London. So, I'd spent around three weeks collecting all of Phil's favourite things, all of these plushies, the dvd's he liked and painting the walls his favourite colours - the typical protocol for when a child came into care as I always want them to settle as quickly as possible. But for when Phil came to us, I went all out and got him every Anime boxset that he watched just to keep him calm and collected to see such familiar things and then the matching bedspreads and decorations. And then when Phil arrived, he was trembling and sobbing because he couldn't breathe and it just clicked for me how damaged this little boy was and after I showed him his new bedroom he burst into more hysterics and wrote into this little notebook, "nobody ever done anything like this for me before," and it was insane to comprehend that somebody could ever hurt a little boy, especially one so simply good as Phil that it hurt me so much that I took it upon myself to not just be his care worker, but pretty much his social worker and father too.

Phil, are you excited for christmas?

No. Naughty boys dont get presents for christmas. But I'm excited in a way - I've bought Dan and Scott presents so I can't wait for them to see them, I hope they like them.  I mean, I'd understand if they didn't.

Scott do you think anything more than abuse has happened to Phil?

It pains me to say yes but myself and the social workers team that are involved in Phil's case are almost 100% convinced that despite physical, mental and emotional abuse - Phil's trauma hints to more than this. However we cannot prove this but despite not having the proof we'd like as confirmation we've arranged further counselling for him as Phil has been failing to turn up for therapy.

Scott how attached was Phil to you when he ds tatted to settle?

Incredibly so; he was always next to me and when I tried to get him to socialise with the others he cried constantly and just latched onto me. If he couldn't see me then he'd have a panic attack and started to sob. It was awful because he was so terrified of everything and in some twisted way from all te abuse he suffered he was afraid of me too - I was just the closest thing to normalcy that he could clutch on to.

Scott how many times has Phil been in the quiet room?

Phil's been in the quiet room five or six times - not for ever being a danger to other people but for being a danger to himself. Before he's been in foul moods and wrote something as a reply to our questions that poses so much danger to himself and his own life that we've had to put him in the quiet room on fear of him taking his own life.

Phil what's your favourite food?

I like popcorn but Scott says I can't keep eating that because it will make me ill because I won't eat anything else. I wish he wouldn't try to make me eat so much - it scares me. I don't like eating, daddy used to say runts like me don't get fed.

Dan - what's yours and Phil's nighttime routine?

We usually like to watch an anime before bed - lately Phil's been craving Death Note and I'm always pretty much down for watching anything. My bed doesn't get used all that much - we just share Philly's - it's ours now. I've noticed that giving Phil hot chocolate before bed with me has made him sleep easier through the night. He's a really cuddly person to sleep next to, so it's like constantly having a plushie next to you. He still has nightmares a lot and sometimes it's a fine line between being able to hold him and comfort him through it and having to rush out of the bed because they often make him quite badly sick.

Dan - is Phil getting better?

I want to say yes. I want to say that Phil's started to see beauty in life and hope in living, I want to say that I haven't seen the razor blades in our room. But I can't say that, because Phil hates living. Phil hates the fact that everyday he has to wake up and just live because so many people have hurt him by now that it's taken too much of a toll on him - he wants to die. I've seen the blades hidden in places around our room, I know what he's doing to an extent. And I'm scared because I don't know how to help him, I can't tell Scott because Phil will hate me and then he'll go back to having no one. As much as I want to say yes, he is - Phil is still as broken as the day I met him, and perhaps even more.

An// Hi I met Dan and Phil yesterday and perhaps again tomorrow help.