Illuminated // Phan (boyxboy)

Chapter 21

Tw's for this chapter: mentions of self harm, bullying, starvation, abuse

**** one day before the last chapter was set*****

"Phil!" A voice called out as he walked slowly through the isles of a some supermarket that he had managed to walk into without paying much attention to where he was going. His feet trod against the floor wearily, slow actions all he could muster up - his body far too exhausted to do anything but slow movements or else he feared he would collapse.  Food wasn't something he ever thought be needed; especially after being starved every day for so long when he lived with those, those people who he was forced to call family.

A quiff of lavender hair trailed behind him and he smiled slightly - Tyler Oakley. He gestured to the boy behind him with a nod, allowing the boy the permission to step forward and walk with him. A feat that would normally terrify him, but the exhaustion clouding his mind too heavy to do anything but accept.

Tyler Oakley was in the year above him in school, self confident and mature but they shared many of the same classes because of how sick Tyler had gotten with some chest problem the year before and how many weeks of school he missed because of it. Tyler was one of those boys who were popular but had no defined interest in it and for some reason, the pastel haired boy seemed to enjoy hanging around with him occasionally. At least it was one less person to be beating him around or hurting him.

He waited apprehensively for the accusing words of, "you've been missing," or perhaps, "Dans besides himself with worry." But all he recieved was an encouraging smile as Tyler wrapped his arm loosely around his shoulders.

"How you holding up, Philly?" Tyler asked easily with a twinkle in his shallow azure eyes - "I haven't seen you lately, my chests been playing up again - I dread to think about how much work I've probably missed." Tyler spoke with a charming ease, his eyes dancing merrily as he conversed without problem.

He nodded slightly and twisted his hands together - unsure of what to say or how to say it. It only took Tyler half a second but realisation flooded his eyes, "Oh shit - here Phil have my phone. Or on second thoughts - why don't you come back to my house, I'm staying with my grandparents for the week so we could play Xbox and have some snacks?"

Phil stared warily at Tyler, that familiar flutter of anxiety pulling at his chest until he backed away slowly. "N-n-n-no," he managed to mumble, watching as Tyler's eyebrows shot up at the fact that he actually used words.

Tyler stepped forward, pressing the matter but for once the anxiety flowed out of him. Something about the boy just screamed, "I won't hurt you," he relaxed slowly. Phil so desperately needed food, but could he eat? Tyler smiled invitingly, "I have crash bandicoot?" He offered when he saw Phil calming down, "o-o-ok" he murmered.
****
Colours didn't make sense to Phil. He liked things that were obvious, that could speak for themselves and read him the story so he didn't have to figure it out, mind in knots and eternal loops. He liked black. Black was angry and sad - like him. In the deepest hues of every colour that was found in black, he  found himself. Anger, pity, violence, hurt, the crushing depression that poured through his veins like thick, liquid treacle - slow burnt.

He also liked blue. Azure, cerulean, turquoise, it had a lack of fullness, a raw potential to be filled with better things. Blue was who Phil was, and then when he had Dan he was turquoise, in between shades of conflicting colours. When he had Dan, he was his own conflict - he was who he was fighting against, what Dan was fighting against.

Daniel James Howell didn't make sense to him. Ultimately he should be brown, that was how he tried to portray himself. Dull shades of a dank colour that meant nothing - was nothing.  Dan was what he liked to call an oxymoron of the finest type // he wanted to be brown but Dan was everything more. Dan was the brightest of all the colours but in a subtle manner - peacefully resplendent. He couldn't read Dan, couldn't decifer the colours that made him up because he wasn't what he was supposed to be. Brown connoted a certain degree of hatred and blandness - Phil had seen that in Dan, the way he had ignored Phil when those boys had hurt him. But Dan was so much more than what made him - he was safeness, and security. Dan was smiles as they fell asleep together, the first person he woke up too in the morning -

Dan was home.

****
"I wish you'd just kill yourself, fucking faggot," Oli spat down at him from where he lay curled in on himself on the floor.

"It'd do us all a favour, poor orphan Lester - not even his parents wanted to keep him. How many time have they you been off school this month because of your injuries," Oli hissed as he wrapped his hands around Phil's far too skinny wrists and twisted, "once?"

A clenched fist landed twice down on his nose, the second of which caused a cracking noise to echo out into the deserted corridor - the sound bouncing back off of the linoleum flooring.

"Twice?"

"Freak," Oli spat, spit landing down upon Phil's forehead - leaving him feeling more battered and defiled than the beatings.

*****

"Dad was never supposed to start on you, Philly," his brother sobbed. This was Phil's youngest memory, five years old as his eight year old brother broke down next to him. He didn't know what half of the words that Martyn was saying meant but he clung on to them anyway - nobody had talked to him for so long. He was starved of more than just food and water.

"Marty," he cooed softly, raising his tiny arms up for a cuddle. He couldn't understand why his mummy and daddy wouldn't hug him or love him, he tried so hard to be a good little boy.

"You don't understand, Philly. Look at you - you're so skinny, you don't have a single toy, you're lucky if you get fed once a day. I promised myself I'd protect you but I can't, he's too strong, hurts me," Martyn cried out, sniffling as he pulled at his hair.

"Don't cwy, Marty," he listed out from around his thumb. His bottom lip wobbled precariously and soon there were fat tears dribbling down his cheeks as he wailed hysterically - he just didn't understand.

"No, Phil - you can't cry! He'll get me again," his brother half shouted as his chest began to rise and fall far too quickly. Phil cried harder as his brothers sharp tone caught him off guard.

It didn't take long for the heavy thumping of their fathers boots to stomp up the stairs and into their tiny room. "Come with me brat," he growled and clamped a hand around Martyn's shoulder, fingers digging into the skin as Martyn shouted to be released.

As his brother was dragged out of the room, Phil's sobs quietened down to a gentle hiccup - his babyish mind state finding the conclusion that their daddy was just going to cuddle Martyn until he felt better. His fathers steely gaze caught his eyes for a split second and his bottom lip trembled again, the eyes that had been looking at him terrifying, briming with the promise and raw potential for something dangerous.

****
"Phil sweetie, wake up!" Someone was shaking him, rolling him towards them and he curled into the touch. Warmth and fluidity flowing through him, "you were screaming and crying what's wrong?" Tyler whispered carefully as he  shook - he had to go home, he needed to go home. He sat there quietly as Tyler stroked a hand through his hair and pulled him into his side for a loose hug.

Phil pressed a hand over his heart and then to Tyler's in a display of a thank you. Shallow blue eyes met deep azure ones in a drawn out gaze, dark eyelashes resting and contrasting against pale skin. He smiled easily, content for once before soft lips pressed against his cheek slightly.

Phil's whole body stilled, his mind throwing him deep into a flashback of a memory.

He tried to throw it off  desperately - already having relived two in his nightmare but it clung to him, chasing after him and clawing for him to succumb,

He needed Dan, he thought panickedly as he stumbled out of Tyler's house, fighting against the unconsciousness that tried to chase him.

He needed to go home, he wanted to feel safe again because without Dan he was as broken as he used to be,

Dan was Phil's home.