i dont know what im doing anymore

Chapter Seventeen

Be Karkat

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It's been at least two months since.... Dave.

I wasn't able to leave the house for four weeks after what happened. I couldn't even leave my room for two weeks. I wasn't eating either.

How could I let this happen to me....  I should've stopped him.. I shouldn't have agreed to go to that stupid movie with him. I've seen it five times before. I shouldn't have let that pill bottle slip out of my pocket. Why was I being so careless. I'm such an idiot. ....I hate myself.....

After my brother finally ranted my head off about how my education was still important and that I had to go back to school. I was going back today.

The walk to school was about as normal as it could be. My day got worse when I got on school grounds. My headphones were blaring music as usual. I put my head down and kept to myself. I was almost to the school front doors when I was nearly tackled to the ground.

"KK!" was the last thing I heard before i got the wind knocked out of me. "Please tell me your okay? What happened? Who do I have to kill?"

Sollux has been messaging me nonstop since I haven't been at school.

"Nothing happened," I didn't want to tell him what happened with Dave,but I had to tell him something. "I went to go visit my grandfather."

"Karkat. I can tell when your lying. Also, I may or may not have hacked into your Pesterchum. I know you've been home this whole time. Please just tell me your okay."

"Honestly i'm fi-" I couldn't finish the sentence because of who i saw down the hallway staring at me. 

Dave.

I bolted into the nearest room and locked myself in. Sollux was banging on the door and yelling to be let in. I didn't know where in the school I was and I didn't care. I did not want to be out there with Dave. The room was musky and smelt weird. It was dark so I turned on the light and someone was sitting in the corner.

"Hey what's up motherfucker?"

Why the hell was Gamzee in here... smoking pot? "Gamzee what the hell are you doing in here?"

"Its the only place in this mother fucking school without cameras. So, what's up little man? Wanna hit?" He offered me some of his joint. ("It felt like I was on drugs, it was so, so fucking cool. N..not to say drugs are cool, kids.. well, whatever, drugs are cool, what're you gonna do" -Danny Sexbang, 2016) 

"Why the fuck not, I'm already fucked up." We sat together silently for a couple minutes smoking together. We didn't say anything to each other but it was nice. I toned out Sollux's banging on the door. It was peaceful.

"Hey little man, I'll protect you." Gamzee said looking down at me. I hadn't realized I was curled up in a ball under his arm.

"Huh, what? No I don't need protection. I just..."

"It's okay to be scared, I am too sometimes. The voices. They're so loud when I'm alone." He stood up and outstretched his hand to me. "C'mon, I'll walk you to your next class." I took his hand and when we left the room Sollux had already left for his class but people were still in the hallway.

We walked silently to my locker to grab my books. On my locker was a sticky note... from Dave?! "Meet me for lunch we need to talk." I could barely read his handwriting it was horrible.

"What's up brother?" Gamzee asked reading the note over my shoulder.

"N-nothing just Dave being a douche-bag." I replied crumpling the paper and throwing it on the ground. I hurriedly grabbed my books and walked away at a faster pace. It was a normal pace for Gamzee because hes ten times my height.

"I thought you liked Dave?"

"Nope never have, never will!" The tone in my voice was getting sharper and louder uncontrollably.

"What'd he do?" He stopped in the middle of the hallway and grabbed my shoulder lightly. I turned to look at him. He was staring at me so intensely. So serious. I've never seen that before in him.

"I... he.." It was hard to get the words out. I haven't actually told anyone what happened.

"Did he hurt you?" His grip on my shoulder got tighter. I didn't want to tell him, I haven't even told Sollux, but something in me wanted to tell him. Needed to tell him.

"He .. almost raped me..." I looked down with tears in my eyes, but shook them away almost immediately when Gamzee sprinted down the hallway.