The Bad Boys Secret [Cameron Dallas fanfic]

Chapter 28 - Attached To Him

I close my eyes and gulp as I watch the pain of him and her. As she wraps her hands around his neck and kisses him passionately. They way he holds her hand in public. Not afraid to show everyone that, that's his girl. He's proud to show her off and show off his affection for her.

Her. That her, isn't me. This is what hurts. This is what makes my eyes water and sting. What makes me get pins and needles in my feet. What makes me feel weak everywhere, because it physically makes my feel sick to them together. She should be me. No. I should be her.

I walk past them both acting like I don't have a care in the world, but inside, that's all I actually care about.

Their fingers intwined, their eyes locking at each other's constantly, and huge smiles on their faces, proud to have each other.

"Stop staring," Katie says elbowing me hard in the arm making me groan.
"Ow, that hurt!" I snap moodily. She rolls her eyes and then looks at me in the eyes. I roll my eyes one last time towards them. Cameron and Lindsay. Together.

"I don't see how you can do it, Al," Katie says as we stand on the soccer field watching Lindsay and Cameron flirt away together. Maybe, I haven't quite explained myself properly. Cameron and myself have been, well, I guess you could say dating right? Acting like a couple, growing feelings for each other. The thing I didn't mention was, is, that he has a girlfriend. His girlfriend, Lindsay. The girl who hates me, and the girl I hate back. I never really wanted to take note of their relationship, because I was so hooked up on Cameron, that I was too busy worrying if I was developing feelings for him or not. But now that my feelings are stronger than they ever have been before, their relationship is starting to pester me.
"I don't know either," I say watching them act all lovey-dovey.
"Like, how could you? No offence Al, but you're literally cheating on someone."
"I'm not cheating on anyone, but he is the one who's cheating."
"Yeah but you're the one who knows about their relationship but yet you still sleep with him? Don't you feel guilty?"
"Nope, not one last bit..." And I don't. It sounds selfish but I don't. I don't feel guilty one last bit, but I actually feel jealous. I'm jealous because she's the one who gets the public affection and attention, whether mine is hidden love. She doesn't need to sneak about and be careful on where she is going and what she is doing and saying. She has no care in the world, because she officially has, the most gorgeous boy on the planet earth, and I, I am jealous that she has him to herself.

My problem is I get attached too quickly. Just a small conversation causes me to get some strings attached. Maybe it's just the feeling of someone wanting to talk to me, like I'm wanted. It's a bad habit because the next day, my hopes are all up and when the days over, we didn't speak. Then I get a feeling that you think I'm annoying or you don't want to talk to me anymore. I'm just generally a very anxious person.

I don't like opening up to people. Most five year old children can express their feelings better than me. I'm terrified of being hurt. I tend to act older than I am too. I get along better with adults because they're more mature and I have more in common with them than I do with people my own age. I'm probably one of the most difficult people you will ever meet. I'm a great listener, and I'll guard your secrets with my life, I will never judge you based on your mistakes.

She says to me,
"You know what your problem is? You get attached, fast. And once you're attached to someone, you do everything you can to please them and make them happy. It's never been about what you want, it's always everyone's needs before your own. You give out too many chances to people, who quite frankly, do not deserve them. They take advantage of you, and you become a pushover. But you're okay with that, because they're in your life and that's all you ever really wanted. And even if they screw you over, you'll still be there for them. Because that's you, that's who you are. Once you get attached to someone, they capture your heart and they always have a place there. And that is why it's always hard for you to let him go."