The Bad Boys Secret [Cameron Dallas fanfic]

Chapter 37 - Getting Close

I sit on the rooftop of my house at two in the morning, and no, nobody is with me. It's not like a movie scene where a girl is sat on the roof with her one and only, having a deep meaningful conversation, looking at the confused sky as he has his arm wrapped around her, holding the blanket around her. No. It's my type of scene, where I sit by myself with a mug of coffee to keep me awake and a cigarette in my hand. Sat with a hangover too, because lately, all I've been doing is drinking away my life, and then my cure for my hangover, getting drunk again. To be frank, I have kissed more bottles than boys, and honestly, a hangover hurts less than a heartbreak. So as I sit hear sipping my coffee, staring at the confused coloured sky, inhaling the better drug for me, but yet I'm still craving the worst kind of drug you can get, him. How ridiculous, that I sit on my own rooftop and not somewhere else, but I just wanted to be completely alone where not many people would even notice me. Not many people seem to notice me much anyway, but I don't want to even be seen by a stranger at this point. I don't want to be looked at because I'm afraid of what they might think of me. If I was crying someone might walk past and think oh how sad is that, a little child crying probably about something ridiculous. Or someone to walk past and see me by myself and think, why is she alone and why is she out at this time. Or for someone to walk past and think, she shouldn't be smoking at that age, her life must be really messed up. I don't want someone I know to walk past and try to comfort me. I don't want someone I know to walk past and pretend they didn't see me, because that would hurt more than trying to comfort me. I wouldn't want to see someone like Cameron walk past, doing a walk of shame but for him it would be the walk of pride, happiness slapped on his face because he just got 'laid'.

2:43am. Here I am just laying on the room, my coffee cold next to me, to match my cold heart. Lighting up another cigarette, blowing the smoke out slowly as I feel happiness being blown out of me instead of sucked out of me which seems to happen day by day. Laying here and wondering, where did it all go wrong? I tried, and I tried, and tried. Nothing I did was good enough really, was it? Was it my fault he acted the way he did? Maybe if I wasn't so easy and played hard to get, we would still be here today. Maybe if I tried to tell him how I feel and resolve instead of end it, we would still be here together. Everything is so different now. I'm wondering how I seem to be so easy to forget and abandon, because he seems to be doing just fine. I'm wondering how he said he loved me, yet, there wasn't much of a problem with him leaving. I'm wondering how he said cute things to me, and if he's saying them to her. I'm wondering how I loved you, gave you my heart, and I actually thought you loved me back. Lust, not love, because they're two different things.

I close my eyes, letting tears roll down my face, then suddenly a wave hits me, and I cry the whole ocean. Thinking of how we use to be together, and the things we said and done. The moments where we held each other, and we'd never been so close. I crave him. I have never craved anyone's physical touch so intensely. Just a small quick kiss would do at first, but I know that the second I feel his lips on mine, all sense and control disappears. I could have every inch of his body against and pressed on mine, and yet, I would still try to pull him closer. I can never get enough of him, because he only comes in one dose and sometimes I just want more. A few seconds apart from seeing him breaks me, a few minutes crushes me, a few days make me weak, and a few months, well, months kill me.

The ocean still washes me away, and I still have him on my mind. It's now half three in the morning, and my phone is ringing. I wipe the tears away with the back of my hand and I shoot up eager it's him. I grab my phone violently and my heart drops when I see it's not him.
"Hello," I whisper down the phone, pretending as if I just woke up.
"Al, it's me. Stop pretending, I know you're awake properly," Matt says, and I can almost feel him rolling his eyes. Am I really awake or is this all a dream? I want this to be a dream, because I want to wake up to seeing Cameron laying next to me, and for him to embrace me in his arms and tell me that's everything's okay and for me to be at home again.
"Where are you?" He says worried.
"The house I live in, why?" I say with a sassy tone of voice.
"You sound like you're outside."
"Never said I wasn't." I hear him sigh and breathe heavily down the phone into my ear.
"I'm on my way," he says as I hear a window squeak.
"Go to sleep Matt, don't sneak out and get into trouble." He hangs up. I put my phone away in my pocket and just feel empty and numb. I feel like a lost puppy. Like a little girl in the super market looking for her mom. I feel lost in that sense, because I feel like something is missing and I'm trying to find it but I'm not having much hope. Like I'm in a maze and I can't find the exit.

"Oi!" I hear someone shout. I look down and see Matt stood on the pavement below.
"What are you doing? Go home Matt!" I hiss. He smiles and lifts up a tub of my favourite ice cream and Arizona tea which I absolutely love! I smile and hold up my finger as if to say one minute. I climb down, and meet Matt on the pavement, dressed in shorts and a hoodie, with a blanket draped over my shoulders. He throws me a pair of joggers and says,
"Typical girl pyjamas." I smile and slide them on quickly. He wraps an arm around me, keeping the blanket around me, and we walk down the street.
"Where are we going?" I say as we start to approach a playground. He walks ahead, twirling slowly with his arms open and smiling. I laugh at him because he looks like a big kid. He rushes over to the swings and says to me,
"Let's do a depressing movie scene where they always sit on that depressing swing seat and talk about life problems." I feel warmth inside of me a bit, because for once, I actually feel someone wanting to hear my problems and not just say, here we go again. So I go take the swing next to him and we swing for a bit giggling together. Once our swings both slow down, we don't bother swinging them up again, we just let them slow down.

He turns to me and gives me a sympathetic smile, already knowing what my problem is.
"Yes, Cameron. It's Cameron." He puts his finger up to me with one and then the other hand reaches for the ice cream. He passes me the tub and a spoon and says,
"You're gonna need something to comfort you as you tell me." I smile whilst opening the tub immediately, and tuck in to it, tasting heaven in my mouth. He claps his hand as I complete forget about him sitting there because I'm indulging this heavenly sensation.
"I'm just missing him, that's all." I shrug my shoulders and say it as if it's normal and it doesn't matter, but deep down, it's literally killing me.
"That's not just all Al, there's more to it than that and you're going to tell me whether you like it or not."
"I love him, Matt, I really love him." A tear unexpectedly escapes my eye, and I force back the rest, making sure they stay as prisoners.
"Sounds cheesy, but if you love him, then let him be and set him free. You did the right thing Al."
"No Matt, no. That's that complete bullshit! If you love someone you should fight. Fight for how you feel and what you really want. You can't just sit back and let things go then expect that maybe it will all come back again because it's 'meant to be'. You are not meant to have something that you didn't fight for. Just live I don't deserve him, because I am never good enough." He sits staring at me, watching me as tears roll slowly down my rose cheeks and my face crumpling up. I look down at my hands and watch my thumbs twiddling. This is when I miss being sat alone on the rooftop, because just as I feared, someone I know is with me, and I'm scared of what they're thinking. He's probably thinking what a complete and utter mess I am, and that I'm just an emotional wreck that feels sorry for myself; because that's what I think of myself too, but I'd like to see what I look like from his perspective right now.

Matt breaks the silence by slapping his hands on his knees and walking over to me. He snatches the ice cream tub out my hands and he walks over to the bin and puts it in. He walks back over to me and puts his hand out, expecting me to take it.
"Let's not give up then. Don't waste your tears, save them for something else. Do some squats and make him be missing the booty that he once had," he says seriously. I smile and take his hand. He pulls me up and says as we walk away from the depressing swing seats,
"Let's make you look insane, and let's make him pine for you."