I'm Sorry • Lashton

Chapter 14

I won't be the one you call, when everyone is gone,
and when you treat her wrong,
don't wish that she was me

-Don't wish // Tonight Alive

Luke was lost. He was lost and confused and bewildered and every other emotion relating to those three, because what the heck? At the time, kissing Ashton didn't seem like a huge thing. He'd kissed plenty of people, and plenty of people had kissed him back, and that was okay. But Ashton was a boy. More specifically, Ashton was a boy who he had spent the last few weeks hating, and now all of a sudden he was crushing on him and kissing him? Rewind- since when did Luke even have a crush on Ashton? Sure, they spent a lot of time together, but he also spent a lot of time with Michael and Calum- that didn't mean he was crushing on them, did it? So why were things with Ashton so complicated?

Maybe it was the fact that ever since Luke had found out Ashton was bisexual, it sparked a flicker of hope inside him. Maybe it was the fact that Ashton was the nicest, most gentle person Luke had ever met, and he felt like letting go of a person like that would be a huge mistake. Maybe it was the fact that, in the sunlight, Ashton shone like the fucking sun, and in the moonlight, Ashton glowed like the fucking moon. Maybe it was the fact that Luke was definitely falling for his roommate, no matter how hard he attempted to switch his own mind.

But he couldn't. Luke couldn't love a boy, because he wasn't gay. Luke Hemmings was straight. Luke Hemmings had a reputation to maintain, and Luke Hemmings could not do that, if he was in a relationship with someone of the same gender. It scared the hell out of him, just thinking about the consequences, of anyone finding out that he'd been fooling around with Ashton all of Thursday evening. What would his friends say? What would his brothers say? What would his parents say
Disappointing them was never something that he did intentionally, and he wasn't about to start. In fact, he wasn't even sure if his parents were homophobic, but he wasn't in the mood to test their waters.

Luke thought about this and more late at night, because there was way too much going on in his head for him to simply turn over and go to sleep. This wasn't right for him, and the thought of being in an actual relationship with Ashton made him uncomfortable. He was always told that being in an uncomfortable relationship can be toxic. So maybe this wasn't right for him. Maybe kissing Ashton was a complete spur of the moment thing. Maybe his mind was simply experimenting.

With these thoughts in mind, Luke took a swift look at the blinking 2:17 AM on his alarm clock, turned away from the sleeping boy across the room from him, and knocked off.

***

Ashton was honest to god extremely confused when Luke's cold behaviour returned the next morning. He wasn't exactly expecting him to act like a husband all of a sudden, but he also was not expecting him to turn into the exact same person he was when Ashton first moved in.

But that's exactly what Luke Hemmings had once again become, and so Ashton took the time to interrogate him when they both ended up in the kitchen together.

Ashton sat on the kitchen counter, waiting for his toast to pop up, whilst Luke sat at the breakfast table, swirling cornflakes round and round in his bowl until they turned to mush, and he slowly got up to spill it into the sink. He knew that he'd have to cross Ashton when putting his dishes into the dishwasher, so he really wasn't surprised when the shorter boy caught him by the arm and basically forced him to look at him.

"Yes, Ashton?" Luke sighed, trying oh so hard not to stare into the mesmerising honey colour that made up Ashton's irises.

"What's up with you?" Ashton asked, tilting his head in confusion. Luke would really appreciate it if he stopped doing that. "Yesterday we were, well, kissing, and today I don't exist?"

Luke sighed once more, eyes glancing towards the clock, before taking a step back. He didn't want to be this close to this particular boy.

"We're going to be late for school-"

"You don't care about school" Ashton groaned, "Can I just have an answer? What's going on? Are you okay?"

"No, I mean, yes. I just- look, Ash. You're cool, and stuff. But this went way too fast way too early, and well, I can't love you Ashton" Luke spoke quietly, but his voice was firm and his eyes avoided the gaze of the younger boy. "You're... a boy. It's wrong. I can't. I'm sorry."

And with that, not only did he take another step back, but he turned and left the room. Ashton sat in a stunned silence, until his toast popped up, and his eyes began to water.

***

Ashton was extremely glad that Luke decided to not walk with him to school. It was difficult, avoiding each other, especially since they lived together and roomed together, but it worked. Somewhat.

It didn't last forever though, and they both knew they'd end up bumping into each other somehow. Ashton just wished that Karma would be on his side for once, and not on the side of his crush, playing tonsil hockey with some random girl.

Ashton vaguely recognised her as someone from their school, but he couldn't be too sure seeing as he couldn't see her damn face. What he could see, was that she had long blonde hair, and when she pulled back, there were a pair of bright blue eyes and a cute nose. So Luke was into blondes with blue eyes? Ashton wouldn't be surprised if Luke fancied himself.

Luke looked really awkward when he noticed who he'd been caught by, but there was also something in his eyes that made Ashton wonder whether he wanted to be seen by him. He didn't ponder over it though, as he simply pushed past the both of them and made his way out the house, because he maybe would have ended up punching one (or maybe both) of them if he saw them for a second longer.

As Ashton made his way down the street, he noticed he was fuming. How dare Luke? How could he go and get over someone so quickly? Was he trying to make Ashton jealous? Or was he just trying to be an even bigger asshole than he previously was? Did he even think before he did ridiculous things?

There was one thing he knew for sure though: Luke Hemmings was definitely the biggest asshole he'd ever met in his life.