Tumblr Inspiration (Kellic)

Chapter Nine

Warning.
I couldn't sleep at all last night. It wasn't even that I was online the whole time, it was just that I was tossing and turning the whole time, thinking about the kiss I couldn't get out of my mind. I can't believe Vic and I actually kissed. And it wasn't a kiss that I pushed on him and he pulled away. No, he was actually the one who started it, and of course I couldn't help but kiss back.

At around 4 a.m I had officially decided that I wasn't going to sleep. I just gave up on trying and pulled my laptop up. I laid on my bed with it on my lap, lazily going through Tumblr until I got I notification. It was for my Email, which was weird because I hardly use the thing. I clicked on the message and saw that it was actually from my school. I figured it was my progress report or something, so I opened it and felt my heart physically begin to ache when I read the words "we are sorry to inform you-" those words could never be good.

I quickly read the message, probably faster than my brain could even register.

My eyes stopped at the words;
"-We would like to notice the loss of Christina Dean"

No, no, no, no, I screamed internally, but physically. All I could do was stare at my screen and read the words over and over until they lost their meaning and were just random letters on a screen that no longer made sense.

This can't possible be happening to me. Why? Is it because I'm a bad person that I can't have anything good in my life. Things must have been going too "good" for me, so the universe decided to throw this at me to even things out.

I can't believe this. Ms.Dean was all I had. She was the only one I could talk to, I loved going to her every morning and having lunch with her everyday. Now what? It's just over.

Eventually something just clicked in me. Instead of crying, I suddenly craved the ultimate urge to self-destruct. In this moment I hated myself, my life, and everything about it. It wasn't just the fact that quite possibly the most important person to me had died, it was just everything. I feel like everything is piling up on me and I can't fucking breath.

I tossed my laptop to the side and rused to the bathroom. I dropped to my knees before my toilet and stuck my finger down my throat. My eyes began to water and I was gagging, but I wouldn't stop until everything in my stomach was in this bowl.

Soon I felt that familiar feeling and then everything came up. But I didn't stop, I kept doing it until it hurt-and boy did it hurt. My throat was burning and my knuckles had cuts. I hadn't done this is a while, but I knew it would make me feel better in some sick way.

Eventually, I was exhausted and couldn't go anymore. I felt so empty and weak, but at the same time it was liberating.

I flushed the toilet, hoping it would take all my sorrows with it- It didn't, before practically dragging myself into the shower.

What's wrong with me? Why do I do this? Why am I like this? I can't help but question myself even though I know I can't answer any of them.

I sat in the shower until the water turned stale. And when I got out, it was already 5. I threw on some jeans and jumper, because I was feeling gross and shaky. I then grabbed my computer and of course, got on Tumblr.

God, please not today. I posted and then shoved it in my backpack before putting a beanie on my head and went downstairs.

It was much too early to leave, but I didn't want to be in my room for some reason. I sat on the couch and turned the TV on. This was all new to me, I hardly leave my room anymore, let alone to watch TV in the living room. I'm not sure if I should be concerned.