Faking It (OHSHC)

Faking It

     Opening my eyes, I stared at a blank ceiling, though this pattern was different from the one at Haruhi's house. I stared at the pale ceiling almost as to ask it answers. I was finally coming to a resolve with myself, and it was weird. I had felt like a huge burden was lifted off my shoulder, but how, I hadn't a clue.

     The last thing I remembered was passing out after coming to the realization of lying to myself. When I was out, I felt like I was trapped in a dream, the blackness around me left me to my own thoughts, to solve my own problems, to figure out everything. After it was all said and done, my feeling sorted themselves out.

     I detested my parents with every fiber in my being, that was a no brainier. My feelings about Akira and her husband are still hazy. When they lost a son I lost my heart, my soul, my strength, and my love. When they had each other to help deal with the pain, I was left alone to abuse.

     The host club...They took me as I was. Though if I will ever really forgive them, I don't know. The looks of disgust at my actions before, the fear they had on their faces, could I forgive them for that? In the end though, they were here by my side. Most importantly, how did I feel about myself, that too I had thought about in the darkness.

     "Hello Aspen..." A mysterious voice called out to me, it had kind of reminded me of my own, but one I had lost long ago.

     "Hi." I responded bluntly.

     "Aspen, why are you so sad?"

     "I'm not sad."

     "Yes you are, you're not smiling."

     "I don't know how to smile."

     "Yes you do."

     "Who are you?"

     "My name is Ash."

     "Ash? Ha. Don't joke around."

     "I'm not, my name is Ash, don't you recall?"

     "Obviously not, where am I? Did I finally Die?"

     "No...Poor Aspen, you pushed me aside and took to yourself with hiding all your emotions. I am here, I always was."

     "Who the FUCK are YOU?!"

     "Remember? We would always talk to each other, when your parents ignored you, I was always there. I know everything about you, because I am you." Memories flashed through my head, the small smiling girl with a soft gentle voice.

     "I don't understand."

     "Ash I am you. Before the pain, before you locked yourself up. I am you."

     I, myself, do not regret a single thing. I am who I am, and for those who can't accept me, they can back the fuck off. I went to hell and back many times, and here I am better than ever. My walls thickened, my hearts beating, and my mind's still on edge. I'm not perfect, and the thoughts haven't completely gone away. I'm still an ugly wreck, still a hollow shell, but the hope in my eyes is back. Even now my heart is beating for someone else again.

     Ash will always be my first love, he will always be in my heart. I will always live with him on my back, and someone will have to live with it too. I will always love him, more that I should, I know. I will always want him back, but things truly lost shall never reappear, so I'll move on. My heart is full of burdens and I'm still solving everything out. I've got a long path ahead of me, and it will be hard.

     The scars on my arms were there for years, growing bigger and bigger. I didn't mind them at all, I felt good with them there, felt safe. They helped me, so I'm proud of them. Maybe I'll fall back into the pits of hell again, maybe I still am in the pits of hell, but I've finally found a bit more light in the darkness.

     Looking over to the door I sighed. Pushing myself out of the warm, and may I say large bed, I placed my feet on the ground. Walking to the door I slide it open. A body fell onto my feet as I did. Looking down I felt my heart beat faster, and my chest tighten. Feeling I hadn't thought were possible were back. Kicking the person of my feet, I yawned. The brunette boy stood up quickly, eyes widening at the sight of me.

     "You're awake!" His low voice said, emotions flowing through strongly.

     "Yeah." I whispered, feeling a tug at the side of my lips.

     "We were all waiting for you." He spoke pointing at the host club lying on the floor. Tamaki was cuddled with Haruhi and a teddy bear. The twins were sleeping next to each other, mirroring each other as always. Mitsukuni was cuddling Usa-Chan, and Kyoya was lying in a corner with his glasses off.

     "I see." I couldn't help but let out a small smile at the sight.

     "You smiled." The low voice spoke again, making my face flush.

     I wasn't perfect, not even close, and I never will be. I was good at being cold, being hard, and hiding everything. I've been to hell and back, and I'll probably be waving to people from down there for a while. My hearts a lot lighter, and it's looking like my wings aren't completely broken. I don't know what the future hold, or what may happen tomorrow. I don't quite understand everything myself, so I don't expect you to either. Maybe when I solve this out myself I'll let you know. For now I think I'm done, I hope I'm done, Faking It.