Push (Josh Ramsay)

You never really wanted it *new*

Tw: drug use/depressive thoughts

My story began on a moderately chilly autumn morning. I had been overcome with an incredible amount of angst that morning, which ultimately led to the events clouding the following months. Do not take this lightly, the events occurring on this day and in the months after, shook the lives of those around me. My highs were enthralling, filled with love, and comedic at times. My lows were devastating and left innocent people praying to gods they didn't believe in. Immerse yourself in my story of love, heartbreak, addiction, and desire, as I fall apart and attempt to piece myself back together again. This is where it begins.

"Shut the fuck up" I muttered amidst a long string of profanities as I hit the far too familiar snooze button. As the square, sky blue alarm clock continued to scream at me, I spat out yet another train of obscene language, and flung it across the room.

My alarm clock's going off meant that I had to get ready for school. Nothing about school was particularly awful, but it was far from where I'd rather be. Ideally I'd have been on a beach somewhere, watching the sunset and getting high with my friend. I had half that wish covered, but I wasn't on a beach.

I never really wanted to make my way through school getting higher than a kite under rusty metal bleachers, which were notorious for the shadiest of my school's activities. I mean sure, I had smoked pot all throughout high school, but never would I have imagined getting involved in heroin.

Heroin.
I had a love-hate relationship with the drug. When I was diagnosed with clinical depression, a weight was lifted. In its place though, came an even greater weight. It felt as if this was a lifelong death sentence. It felt as if even if I improved, depression would always be right around the corner and that was terrifying. Drugs took that feeling away. When I was high, I could no longer feel the bone crushing sadness or loneliness associated with the diagnosis. What I hadn't realized then however, was that it also meant I couldn't feel the happiness associated with living. I could have felt happiness if not for my frequent drug induced stupors. Instead I walked numb to my emotions and in a way, that would be worse than the sadness.

There were other negatives to the drug, and my story will make those very clear. Save all, would I change a thing? If I could take it all back, would I? Would I sacrifice falling for the love of my life to not be stuck in this mess of a drug?My answer to these questions would change and evolve over the course of a few months, so follow my story and ask yourself, would you?

A/N ok so this is the first of my edits and is still a mess but I hated this chapter so much I needed to fix it asap. Know that I won't change any major details but I'm going to try to develop my characters more and all that literary jazz.