Push (Josh Ramsay)

But you were wrong about it

Tw: Suicidal thoughts/actions

I sat down on my bed and reached for the leather bound journal that held my deepest secrets.  With a sigh, I opened the thick yellowed pages and began writing.
Dear diary,
Life sucks.
Josh is a fucking asshole.
I don't know why I fell for him.
I can't stop thinking about the night he kissed me.
Fuck man it's just like I thought he cared about me.
I thought he cared.
I can't get rid of the thought of him.
The way he smelled.
The way he tasted.
The way he held me.
The way he stiffened beneath me.
The way he spoke softly when I cried into his chest.
The way his body fell limp when I found him in the woods.
The way he cried into my arms.
The way he screamed at me the last time we spoke.
You know. That was almost a month ago.
Not even the strongest of drugs can get rid of him.
Damn.
I thought he cared.
I guess I was wrong.
But.
I loved him.
Actually.
I still do.
I love him.
Fuck.
~Mabel

I closed the worn journal, and the tears began to slip down my face.

He was just like heroin.

My Heroine.

My Villain.

My Everything Good.

My Everything Bad.

My Right.

My Wrong.

My Light.

My Darkness.

My Bliss.

My Fight.

My love for him was bittersweet. He was my sanity, but also my insanity. He saved me, but also destroyed me. He was everything I ever wanted, but also everything I never wanted. He was mine. But most importantly I was his.

Was.

I thought we had something.
That night at his house.
There was something.

Was.

The good left as quickly as it came.

He had ruined my life.

I once again grabbed the diary and opened it to a clean page. I sunk into the bed as I began furiously scribbling.

Joshua,
Don't you remember how it felt when you kissed me?
Don't you remember how it felt when you held me?
Don't tell me you didn't feel it.
Don't tell me it meant nothing to you.
And when you walked out of my life.
I know you that you felt it too.
You can't act like we didn't have something.
Look.
Before you.
I got so used to just hanging on.
And you changed that.
But now you're gone.
And I don't belong.
I don't belong here.
So this is it.
Goodbye.
I love you.
~May