Truce

Nineteen // Don't Interrupt Beauty Sleep

Nineteen // Don't Interrupt Beauty Sleep

Kaia

Jacob's words circled my brain like a toy train stuck on a track. They kept coming back to the front of my mind, forcing me to think about them, to make them stay.

I had gotten back from the cemetery where I had spilled everything to Jacob about six hours ago, and now I was returning in nice clothes with my siblings to pay our respects.

It was a tradition we had started since the year after our parents death, the first anniversary of their absence. It was the second hardest day I'd ever lived through but I was happy we had started it then.

I had three tall sunflowers clutched in my hands as we entered the yard, looking so different from last night. The dark does something to a graveyard that makes it seem haunting, the light does the opposite. It makes you want to think lightly on those who you have lost, think good of them. The sun does that too.

Parker had been in tears from the moment she woke up this morning, and Atlas was in a rough state as well. It had been hard to get out of the house but I had managed to bring them along.

I felt out of place being here right now, after last night and everything with Jacob. What he had told me, well, it made sense. When I had crawled into bed after he had dropped me at home, I thought more about what he had said, the train starting it's never ending loop. The pain might not get better, but you will become stronger. I believed I just needed someone to tell me that I would get stronger for me to realize I already was. Usually, I would be more of a mess than both of my siblings combined, but I hadn't yet shed a tear. Maybe it was because I was all cried out, or maybe it was because I was stronger and I knew it.

The marble gravestone shone in the morning sun, our parents names clearer in this light. My heart sank as it had this morning and I could feel the tears in my eyes, but that was okay. One thing my mother had taught me was that it was always okay to cry, even if there was no reason for it. Today, there was a reason, and it was okay.

Being the oldest, Atlas went first, knelt down on the now-dry grass to place his flowers on the left side of their grave, beneath the tombstone. Then he closed his eyes and Parker and I turned away, as he spoke to our parents like we did every year. He told them about school, about work, about us and everything they would know if they were still alive. Listening to him talk made my heart clench, because it was the only time I truly saw how he was feeling. He wasn't as okay as he put on.

He said a prayer and stood up, before coming to give me and Parker a hug. Then it was my big sister's turn.

She followed suit, placing her tulips on the centre of the grave and kneeling in front of it. She told them about school and her life, and she finished with "And I have this new friend who is the best person I've met in a while. I wish you could meet him, I know you'd both love him." Then she said her prayer and stood up.

And it was my turn.

The flowers felt thick in my hands as I placed them on the right side of the grave and instead of kneeling at the front, I knelt by their side where I lay with Jacob the night before. I spoke in a whisper, so my siblings couldn't hear me and told them everything they would have known.

"You would remember Jacob, Jacob Beck, my best friend when we were little. He moved to Europe somewhere but he came back this year. I didn't really like him to start with, but I don't really know why. We're friends now though, and I brought him here last night." I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, clasping my fingers together on my lap. "He made me feel like it's okay to let go. Not of you two, but of the pain the memory of you brings. I haven't yet and I don't think I will be able to soon, but I know that it's okay. One day, when my prince comes along, I'll be able to. And yes, that sounds silly, but it was part of a story and well, you may have heard last night. If you did, I really hope you are stars now, because then I can talk to you whenever I want, instead of always having to come here. I did see the two brightest stars last night so I think maybe you are there. I hope so because I miss you both-" my eyes welled up and I held in a sob "-so much." I whispered, and then said my prayer and stood up.