High (Phan AU)

Tell

Dan and I went to bed that night. Well, Dan went to bed before me. I was awake next to him. There was still something big that he didn't know about me; my drug use. I am beginning to fall in love with this kid, but I also am deeply in love with the high I get from shooting up the "liquid devil" and the classic disorientation that marijuana leaves me with. It gives you your ignorance back. It makes your problems smaller than they seem..same with Xanax...
I'm getting off track...I love Dan..but I love being high too...it's what I'm used to, but he keeps me sane and leaves me with a feeling that I have never once experienced in my life.
He gives me those warm fuzzy feelings in the very core of my heart..and if I tell him and he doesn't like that I do those things...and he leaves me..I-i don't know what I would do. I would probably hate myself more. I would probably do MORE than I normally do, which could easily put me in the ground.
I don't want to be dead; and I don't want to lose Dan. I never...ever want to lose Dan...
He makes me think are drugs worth that risk of losing him? Does he do drugs? Does he smoke weed? Has he tried it? Even if he does smoke weed or even if he has tried it I don't want to encourage that behavior. I'm the example of someone who got a little too carried away with getting high, but what if he's broken inside like me? And tries literally anything to numb out all feeling?
I still won't encourage behaviors like that. I don't want him to get a taste of it and that be his downfall. Dan Howell becoming me doesn't sound like a happy ending....
My heart sank at the thought of him getting sucked into the life I live. I don't mean that in a bad way, I want Dan in my life; I just don't want him making bad choices..I pushed the blankets off me calmly and got up slow enough so the bed didn't squeak, I didn't want to wake Dan up.
I stood there for a moment as the cracked door slivered light onto Dan's sleeping body. Honestly; I could get used to seeing that.
This is where you cringe.

I grabbed my phone from the coffee table and went out to the back porch with a pack of cigarettes, another one of my many wonderful life choices.
I didn't really smoke that much but I did, which sucks.
My thumb toyed with the home button for a while before I decided to ring Oli.
Mind you, it was three in the morning.

"Hello?" A very tired Oli said on the other line.

"Hey, I'm sorry. Do you want me to let you go?"

"No, it's fine, you're calling me at three a.m. There's something wrong here. What's up Phil?"

I took a deep breath in, and then a deep breath out.

"Well," I began;
"Oli, I'm really starting to like Dan. Maybe even love."

"Phil that's great! I'm so happy for you! But what's wrong with that?"

"Nothing! Nothing at all! It's just...I haven't really told him about my-"

"Drug use?"

"...yeah, that. And I don't really know how to just...bring that up it isn't easy."

Oli's end was quiet.

"Don't just flat out tell him you do herion. Start small then gradually let him know more and more."

"That was the plan. He's dead asleep right now..and I wasn't planning on telling him this tonight anyways..it just hit me like a truck you know?"

I took a cigarette out and lit it.

"The feelings that you have for Dan?"

"Mhm" I answered through the drag I pulled.

"Phil, just be careful, okay?"

"I'm trying. I just don't want to take this risk but I know that I have to. I really do care about him."

"I know."

"Thank you for letting me talk to you, Oli"

"Of course, you gonna go to sleep?"

"No..not yet, I'm gonna let you go though, alright?"

"Okay, goodnight."

"Goodnight..."

"Hey uh Phil?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you faggot."

I laughed at her, then I hung up the phone.
I appreciated being outside and observing the night (day-ish) sky. It was a deep blue with a very faint line of pink.
I put out the disgusting cigarette and let out a sigh of relief.
If only I could extinguish these thoughts as easy as pushing out the ember of something that could kill you. I was thinking about every possible reaction that Dan could give me.
"At least you aren't telling him you don't do heroin right off the bat"

That's what I kept telling myself in my head trying to calm my thoughts as much as possible.
I opened the sliding glass door and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my hands so the vicious stink of nicotine would subside.

I slowly made my way towards the bedroom, remembering that the door was slightly open, before I entered I checked to see if Dan was asleep and he was. Still peaceful, still adorable. I did one last smell check on myself, I seemed to be just fine.
I peeled off my clothes down to my boxers and gently placed myself next to Dan. I got under the covers and tried to be as quiet as I possibly could doing so.

"Mmph"
I heard Dan as he turned over facing me.
He was still sleeping.
My heart was racing. I knew that when he wakes up I'm going to want to tell him and it will stay on my mind for the rest of the day until I actually do it.

I closed my eyes and breathed slowly to regulate my heart beat, I wanted to get some sleep before the day started.
My eyes opened, I saw my alarm clock and it said it was 9:45am.

"Goodmorning philly." A tired Dan said as he wrapped his arm around me and kissed my cheek.

So much for getting my heart to slow down.

"Goodmorning Dan."