High (Phan AU)

Round 2

The next evening

I knew I wasn't well. But I had to keep a smile on my face for the sake of Dan. I felt bad for lying to him..I wasn't being honest with how I was feeling...I guess you could say that's lying in some form. I never understood why he stuck around and insisted that I would get better. He didn't know...I'm not..ill.
I was never sick. I was (and still am) a recovering drug addict...I'm a liar...a..horrible...horrible boyfriend.
God..why..why now?
Why is it that when something goes good for once it gets fucked up horrendously. It's always my fucking fault. I wish that there was a smile on Dans face at all times. I wish that he didn't have to worry anymore. At all.
I told myself that I was going to confess this dark twisted side of me to him but I didn't.
I'm a coward..I should add that to the list.
Sometimes I wish that he would look closely at my arms and see the scars from persistent needle marks. Sometimes I wish he would get so sick of how stubborn I am and just leave me so I can finally be at peace and die... I wish that..I wasn't able to feel anymore. I wish that my life was a constant state of happiness. I wish that I didn't ache for a basic human emotion that is so easy for some to achieve. I thought this was all going to go away as I got older but it never did. And it scared the shit out of me...I wish that I still felt that new love feeling all over again..that distracted me so much from everything else. All I wanted was to be normal agai-

    "Phil, tell the waitress your order." Oli nudged me, breaking me from a sudden stream of thought.

  "Oh right, uh, I'll have the boneless buffalo wings with blue cheese and ranch."

"And I'll have the same." Dan said. He placed his hand on my leg and gave me an unfamiliar squeeze.
I looked around the restaurant to recollect my thoughts.
Where were we again?

I scared myself.
"This is nice. Way better than a night club." Oli said, looking up from the drink menu.

"I agree, this is a lot more..us." Dan voiced turning to me.

   "Yeah. This is way better. What do you want to do after?" I asked Dan.

   "Well I wanted to do something special. I told Oli already and she's gonna sit this one out."

   I smiled.

"Don't worry Philly, it would be weird if I was with you guys."

Our food came and we all ate and laughed at my actions of the previous night. On the inside I still obviously felt like a total prick and a heaping pile of shit.

       "That was good." Oli said.

  "Yeah, I'm glad that they had stuff for you to eat here."

"Me too, but hey, I'll see you guys later! I hope you have a good rest of your night."

Oli hugged Dan and then she hugged me. A little tighter than normal.

"He adores you Phil, please don't do anything stupid, okay? I love you." She whispered in my ear.

"I promise." I whispered back to her as I pulled away.

---

"Where are we going?" I finally asked Dan after twenty minutes passed of him driving.