High (Phan AU)

Visitation

I laid on the couch until the sunbeams cut through the blinds.
I didn't sleep that night.
The shaking stopped but I felt as though something was missing.
I ignored it.
My blood flow seemed to be normal since I couldn't feel it like I could last time.
My body allowed me to stand up straight and I had a healthy amount of energy.
The bedroom door was open and there stood a hobbit haired Dan, rubbing his sleepy face.
  There was quiet.
Nerves prickled underneath my skin and nearly every hair on my body stood on end.
Dan walked into the kitchen without saying a word to me.
I shivered.
I made my way to the bathroom and started the shower up.
I looked in the mirror and grimaced at the bags underneath my eyes. The toilet roll that I threw at the door last night was still on the floor..I picked it up and put it back where it was.
I went too far last night... The sound of the water hitting the tile brought me back to this sad reality, the bathroom door was shut..and I locked it. I took off all of my clothes and began the normal routine of cleaning myself.
The previous night played over and over again in my head, I wish that I never did that.
The warm water stretched all across my skin and chased the deep cold out of my bones, my health was returning but something was still off. There was an emptiness inside of my heart that just wouldn't go away, like..guilt.
I can admit when I have done something wrong, and I know that what I'm doing now is wrong.
Mum thinks I quit, so does Dad, so does Martyn.. Dan has no idea.
The hole made itself present, kind of like it was saying
"Yeah Phil, that's why you feel like a piece of shit."
Lies. Lots and lots of them.
It was time for them to stop.
I climbed out of the shower and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around myself before I exited the bathroom.
The dining room was clean with two plates on the table.
One had food on it, and the other one didn't. Assuming the one that had food on it was mine, I sat down with my towel around my waste and ate, scared that I was going to vomit, I chewed the pancakes slowly and then ended up finishing everything.
I didn't throw up.
I put my dishes away and made my way to the bedroom, Dan was sitting on the bed, dressed. His hair was perfect, he was wearing a normal black shirt with his trademark skinny jeans, and of course black shoes.
He was staring intently at his iPhone screen.
I dropped my towel around my ankles to put on clothes.
I kept looking back to see if he was still paying attention to his phone...he was. Since we were just going to the hospital I decided it would be best to wear something super casual.
I stuck with my OMFG shirt and black pants.
Finally after what seemed like hours
I turned to Dan.

"I'm sorry."
My throat closed around my words.

He looked up.

"I don't know what came over me."
Another lie.

  "I was only trying to help."
Dan mumbled.

  "I know.... I know...I have a lot of explaining to do."

  Silence.

  "Are you ready to see your mum?"

The hole inside of me felt as if it grew even more.

  "Yes." I answered.

"Who's driving, me or you?"

We were both quiet again.

"I think it would be best if you did." I answered.

"Good call."

---

We were on the road to see my mother.
I was scared to see her laying in that bed. There were so many times where I would see her as a kid in the hospital.
Each visit would break my heart over and over again. And in my soul I knew deep down that this was going to be one of the last..
The car ride was mostly quiet. There were some looks of comfort passed from Dan to me.
He grabbed my hand and held it in his for the rest of the way there. I could breathe better. Oddly...
We arrived at 11:30am, we parked the car and made our way to the room.

"Hello, can I help you?" A woman at the front desk asked.
The smell of the hospital made me want to faint from nerves and suppressed memories.

"Yes, hi um... I'm looking for my Mums room, the last name is Lester?"

The nurse typed in the name in the computer and smiled as she said:

"Mrs Lester is in room B-221."

"Perfect thank you."

Dan and I made our way to the elevator. We didn't talk, just held hands.
As the door opened to our floor, I was the first one to get off, Dan followed behind me.
The halls were lit softly and my Mothers room door was open.

"Phil," Dan began,

"Do you want me to come with you?" He asked softly.

"Of course I want you to." I whispered.

I grabbed his hand and we slowly walked in,

There she was, snugged in a white blanket with tubes in her nose and mouth.

  "Hi mom." I said as I sat in the chair that was next to her.

  "Philip?"

  "Yeah, it's me. I'm here."

"W-who's that handsome boy there?"
I turned to look at Dan.

"Hi" he said.
"I'm Dan,"

She smiled so tenderly at him.

"Hi Dan."

"How are you feeling mum?"

  "Not well...but not terrible."

  This was something she would say to me when I was a kid...but I knew she was lying. She was grey, like...a dimming light. She had a tray of food next to her that wasn't touched...can't really blame her because hospital food is terrible.
She was dying, like actually passing away before my eyes.

  "Well that's better than feeling terrible." Dan said as he pulled up a chair next to me.

   "Yes..yes it is." She spoke slow. The humming of the machines were louder than her voice.
Dan grabbed my hand and rubbed it with his thumb.
My breathing was shaky...I had to keep calm for the sake of my Mother.

I bent over and hugged her.

  "Mum...I love you. And...everything is okay. You're great... I don't want you to ever think that I thought differently of you... I know...you tried very hard for us when...we were younger...and now.. But please know..I love you..."

I whispered in her ear.
Her eyes were brimming with tears as she squeezed my hand letting me know that she heard me.
That's all I needed.
I felt Dan's hand on my back.

"Boys, I'm sorry but visitation hours are over." A nurse said.

I turned back to my mom and kissed her on the forehead, and left.

---

"So?" Dan asked me;

  "How do you feel?"

"Honestly...better. About everything."

He smiled.

  "Let's celebrate tonight! We can call up Oli and Elliot and go out!" I suggested.

  "Okay, let's do that!"

I grabbed my phone from the sofa and texted Oli asking if she was down and she was.

  "I'm happy babe." Dan said as he leaned in and kissed my cheek.

    "I'm happy too."