High (Phan AU)

Needles

I started sweating and pacing back and forth. I felt like the worst person alive. I didn't know what to do or say or think. "What the fuck is wrong with me" I said out loud to myself. I sat on the couch and ran my fingers through my hair gripping it tightly.
I sprang up and ran to the bedroom, shuffling through my suitcase
I grabbed the black bag out of it and brought everything back out to the living room. I took a long breath in and slowly released it, trying to keep myself from crying my eyes out.
I plugged my phone into the stereo and played my music. It was 11:38am.
I drew the curtains shut and turned all of the lights off in the hotel room.
I walked to the table and opened the bag pulling out the syringe and then my  8 ball of heroin. Yes...heroin. I put the needle into the bag and pulled the syringe all the way back. Giving it a couple of flicks before tying the rubber tourniquet around my arm for more blood flow. I rubbed the skin of my arm trying to find a rising vein. The tears were flowing heavily and I didn't want to hold them in anymore, I let them flow out and drip onto my pants. I blinked a couple of times to focus on getting the needle into a vein, once I found one I pushed the needle in all the way and pushed the sticky substance into my body. I pulled the needle out and set it back on the black bag. I leaned against the couch because my heart was pounding. I felt like I could take on the world. But I knew that I couldn't got out side of my hotel room. I didn't want fans or other people knowing that I do this shit.
My breathing increased a lot. I was so active and I had to keep moving because if I didn't I felt as though I was going to die.
"Keep moving, just keep moving Phil." I thought to myself.
I pumped more tar inside of me. I couldn't let these feelings go. Dan had me wrapped around his finger.
"He's fucking beautiful." I said nearly screaming. Why would I do something like this to myself? But more importantly, Dan.
Will I ever see him again?
I tried so hard killing these thoughts that entered my mind so fast..I wanted them to die...I wanted to die. Right there.

---

I woke up on the floor, my body was heavy and weak. I couldn't move anything but my eyes. My face was sticky with tears and I couldn't breathe out of my nose because I was crying so hard. Luckily I was so high I couldn't remember anything. It was still dark in the hotel room. I was surprised that I wasn't dead. I wanted to be. I didn't care what happened to me at all.
I tried sitting up with all my strength, I put my hands on either side of me and pushed my body up this effort made my heart pound and my head felt incredibly heavy. I was so empty on the inside...I hated dealing with these feelings by myself. I wanted to reach out so bad but I didn't want to. I always thought that nobody would understand how I felt. I mean, I don't even understand how I feel.
I heard my phone vibrate against the speaker that it was laying on; I tried so hard to stand up, when I did I walked over to the stereo system and pressed the home button to see who was texting me..
It was Louise. And she wasn't happy.

4:39pm
Phil, I can NOT believe you. I'm coming over in 20 minutes. You have some serious explaining to do.

"Great." I said with a sigh that seemed like forever.
Now she knows what I did. Now she knows what kind of person I am. Or..does she know what happened? Would Dan tell her? Why do I even care?! He was just a hookup...a really ho- NO. Stop thinking that way mother fucker! Just stop. I un tied the tourniquet from my arm and threw it away. I turned all the lights on and splashed water on my face. I was moving so quick it almost made me laugh. I put all of my drug shit back into the bag and just threw it in my suitcase.
After all that I fell onto the couch and waited for the knock on the door. In the meantime I opened my laptop and decided to get some internet time in, I checked my Twitter and Instagram. Two things that I already have on my phone. And then of course my YouTube channel. And to my surprise, Dan Howell was in my recommended for you window.
My body went cold. Was I withdrawing? Was I over reacting? Probably. I clicked on his most recent video titled "last day."
His voice was the first thing that "enchanted" me. I guess you could say that. It's like listening to the waves crash against the shore. Steady and constant. It was naturally beautiful...
"What the hell am I saying right now?" I thought.
His eyes held all of his feelings..and I could tell he was very unhappy. But he plastered a smile on those supple pink lips of his.
I watched the video all the way through and the kid made my heart feel funny that's for sure. I didn't like the idea of having a crush on someone with the intentions that I had. I mean who would like a mess like me? I-

"Unlock the door Phil!" Louise declared while knocking violently. My heart dropped, "Shit"
I got up and walked over to the door opening it as quick as I could. Her face said it all.

"So, Phil. Is there something you want to tell me?"