I knew I was smart enough to get high marks, but teachers never really liked me, for the reason that I never answered any of their questions. They'd come and take a look at my copybook and find that I was writing all the answers instead of saying them. They'd shout, and scold and insult me, but I just couldn't help it.. two things I wasn't able to do; speaking in front of a group of people, and eye contacting people. And teachers found those the most irritating things.
Therefore, I wasn't getting high marks, but average ones. But I was satisfied though, and never complained, not even to myself..
Besides my love for literature, I had a love for English. And in our school (middle and high school), for "some reason" English teachers were always absent. Despite that, I just couldn't get over my love for learning the language, and because I was always indoors, I thought to myself that I'd better teach myself the language, and therefore get myself busy instead of thinking of death all the time.
And so I did..
I'd watch any kind of movie I find on TV and listen carefully, and write each word that my ears pick and my eyes see the translation of it. I used to write the word as I hear it, not actually knowing exactly how to write it, but at least, I knew how to pronouce it, which felt great!!
So, I'd take that small copybook I write in wherever I go, it used to give me company in school, and it helped me ignore the ones who were bullying me.
I had to practice English so I can be better at it, for any language requires practice. Unfortunately, I had no one to speak English with, ( I didn't even have somone to speak Arabic with! ) therefore, I had to practice alone. I used to speak to myself like a crazy person, but it felt better than speaking with somebody else. And for writing, I made virtual American friends over the internet, and there I found leisure, freedom, ease, and the ability to speak my thoughts for the first time in a very long time.
By time, it seemed that I was thinking of death less. And with finding something I loved doing, I started ignoring whoever bullied me.
Suprisingly, my English level improved in a short period of time. And it was in my favor, for few people in my school were able to speak English ( and by few I mean less than 20 people in the entire school ). I started getting the highest marks in English class, which made my classmates pay a bit of attention to me; for an abvious reason of course, and that was to get them through the Baccaleaureat exam.
Eventhough I did good at the tests, I never spoke a word in the classroom..
Few days passed and classmates started to come and talk to me, offer me a seat next to them and share jokes with me ( expecting me to laugh, which was hard to do ). Soon after it, they'd ask me to do their homework, give them my answers in the tests, which I obediently did.
I knew they were using me but yet I let them be. Maybe because deep inside I needed "friends", I needed a normal life. They weren't real friends to me, but I thought I'd give them that name.
