Gabriel

17. Døughs and Høes

     Sorry, sorry, sorry. It's been like, 15 days and my goal is to update every weekend but school has been busy lately and all that dreadful stuff. But here you go! Enjoy and thanks for all the support!!!

xoxox

~~~

MAEVE

     I am overcome by a moment when everything around me seems to just stop moving. That life altering change that hits you like a train and everything around you stills. Like time stops and everything falls out of place before rearranging itself into a new shape that you never knew could take form- literally and figuratively. Everything clicks and it's like you finally know why everything happens the way it does. Every moment in your life leading up to this has all just been to prepare you for the mental capacity to realize if this is the best or worst thing that will ever happen to you. But I know that everything I've every experienced, every pain, every pleasure, every tear has all been so I could fully appreciate what I now have. To realize that I wasn't alone in the world as my mouth explored this new invigorating sensations that had my heart bursting from all its rapid beats and my hands tightly gripped in his hair as his soft lips and warm tongue collided with mine. I'm trembling a bit as his hands rake over my back up to the nape of my neck. They travel upwards to caress my cheek and then back down, taking a wildfire of tingles with it. The sensations I couldn't explain were unlike anything I had ever felt before. I couldn't get enough of him. His tongue, his hair, his slightly prickly cheeks, his smooth and soft hands, all invading my senses at once.

     Some say lips melt together and form into one moving shape, but no. Our collided, smashing together like fire and ice, unstoppable. I wanted it to last forever, but then his hands moved from their safe position on my cheeks to my wide hips and a voice in the back of my head made itself present with the words too fast over and over. Before I new what I was doing I pushed his hands off me and took two large steps back.

     "What's wrong", he asks, concern etched on his face as we both take big breaths. He looks extremely worried and almost afraid, and I know I owe him an explaination. I take a moment to formulate my thoughts before speaking.

     "This is just a lot to take in and I need a moment to breath and when you touched me...", I try to think without outright saying how fat I am and if you touch me the you won't want me, which sounds totally illogical, so I go with; "I know you say that you like me the way I am, but as hard as I try to be okay with you touching me it's just difficult. Over the years I've had so many people, including myself, tell me in one way or another that I was fat and good-for-nothing. Then you come along and everything is great. You make me feel amazing and I wish I could say that, just like that, I'll be fine. But I won't be. And I'll still have twenty thoughts yelling at me in my head how worthless and disgusting I am, and the only way I've known to cope with that is by harming myself. And I really am trying to get better. Yet, I just don't think I can be what you need right now. I don't now how I'm supposed to care for anybody besides myself because that's all I've done for the past five years", I say, tears streak down my face. I feel so ashamed and upset for not being able to do normal things. Although none of this is normal, he's been waiting for me all his life expecting me to just jump on the crazy train, but I can't. I've dealt with so much crap and I want to put it all behind me but I just don't know how. I'm not ready for anything intimate and even though both of our bodies surrendered to the physical attraction, I just can't help but think of all the bad things, from the abuse at home to accepting the incident that happened when I was six.

     "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have force you like that. It was wrong, but I just got so out of control that I-", Gabriel start but I interrupt him as he pulls me into his arms.