Gabriel

24. Why Do You Hurt Me So?

MAEVE

     The weekend passed me by, occupied mainly by homework, Netflix, and late night dinners. Alone. Gabriel had work to do, not coming home until what I assumed to be 3 or 4, but I was already out by midnight, so I would never know. This continued on into the entire week.

     And the next.

     I think I saw him twice, but I'm pretty sure the second time, he wasn't real because I was in the shower, naked. Then I got my period and I stayed in bed all of the Saturday after that, body aching, and uterus pulsing. What little of him I felt had existed in the apartment– a shoe here, a half-eaten bagel there– all but disappeared. I was afraid to call. Not only did I not want to sound clingy, but also I was insecure. I had thought we'd broken through a wall or something, but then I turn my back for a second and he's put up four more. I had no idea what to do, or gain any perspective on what was normal. I really and truly was lost. Dazed and confused I lay in bed most of the day, taking considerable amounts of Advil every few hours. See, I was never one of the lucky ones when it came to this area of the female body (I mean, who was I kidding– I was never lucky with my body). My period was short-thank god- only 5 days, but the first was the worst. It really was. The first time I had gotten my period I went to the hospital thinking my appendix had ruptured or something. Because the pain I felt was unnatural (you could say it was...supernatural). The doctor just said I just had acute symptoms of uterus cramps and I'd probably grow out of it when my period regulated. But I never did.

     So here I was, on Saturday December 5th at 9:22 pm, with nothing better to do than moan in agony with an empty Cheese-Its box beside me. My state is probably delusional. I can guarantee that. It's not a good sign when your head is pounding so hard that you see your blue wall flashing pink every once in a while. Blue walls. That was another thing that had changed. Gabriel's room had white walls. But for all I know he could have changed them to red. I haven't been in there since the night I called him baby. And sleeping without him had caused the nightmares to come back in full force, allowing me little sleep.

     So with one last look at my pink- no- blue wall, I got up the courage to call him. I would give the excuse that I needed him to bring home some more medicine and probably chocolates, too. Lots of chocolates. He could come home early from work one night, right?

     While the phone rings I sigh, sitting upright in my bed. Attack of the uterus had calmed down with my recent (and probably illegal) dosage of Advil so I stare at the muted TV playing a rerun marathon of Friends. Finally, I hear the phone click.

     "Addison speaking, how may I assist you", I heard in a professional tone.

     "Hey Addy, it's me. Is Gabriel available right now?" I ask. I remember Addy from our meet in the car on the way to my first day of school, and although I haven't see her since, I distinctly remember her deep southern drawl and the fact that she's Gabriel's PA.

     "Oh! Hey darlin'. Give him a minute, he's just finishing up with the China corp. engineer", she responds. I chat with her for a few more minutes, and find that she's pregnant. She's going to be quitting soon, to take on the job of motherhood. Our conversation is cut short when I hear from her side of the line someone say, "It's late Addy, you can go home for the night."

     "Sure thing, but your girl's on the line. I'll patch her through?" I can't help but smile at being called his girl.

     "Hey Maeve, what do you need?" He says tersely. My face falls at his curt tone.

     "Sorry, did I call at a bad time?" I ask. Maybe he's just busy with work.

     "No, why do you say that?" He asks, but he's starting to sound annoyed with me. It hurts me more than I'll admit at how greatly one conversation can affect me.