Was It All a Lie?

Chapter 18

Sam came around to my door and carried me effortlessly to the entrance of the bunker.

"Babe, can I try walking? I hate having you have to help me so much." I asked calmly once we reached the stairs inside. He looked at me with an unsure look. He set me down and I tried to take a step. My entire body was so sore. The second my foot left the ground, I lost all balance and the pain shot through me. I let out a strained groan at the sudden impulse of severe pain. Sam barely caught me from falling down the stairs. He picked me up and carried me bridal style to bed. He laid me down gently and helped me get under the covers.

"Why are you so insistent on trying to walk so soon?" He asked. There was a concern and gentleness present in his voice, but it was covered by a slight layer of angriness. "You're hurt. You need to rest."

"Because, I don't like making you take care of me so much, and you guys get hurt all the time, sometimes this bad or worse, and you don't take very long to get up and moving around again. I can tell I'll be unable to move for a few days to a week, and so I was hoping moving now would help speed it up." I explained.

"It's not a contest of who can get up faster once they are hurt. We usually don't take long, you're right, but we've been doing this for years and years. I think our bodies have gotten used to the physical demand of it so we heal faster. I don't know why we do, but it's how it is. Quit comparing yourself to us, and just rest. And don't feel bad about having me take care of you. I love taking care of you because I love you and I want you to feel better." He said compassionately. His eyes were filled with consolation and sadness at seeing me so beat up. I didn't want to explain how I felt.

"I'm sorry I'm comparing myself to you guys. I just feel like.... Never mind." I started, but stopped. I had my reasons for comparing myself to them, but Sam would never understand.

"What, babe?" He asked gently. "Talk to me please."

"Maybe later, ok? I want to sleep some more. If I'm up to it, I'll tell you both tonight." I said, trying to get myself out of the situation at least temporarily. I was really going to explain later. He nodded and left the room. I stayed in bed for a few hours as Sam occasionally came in with food or a drink. Around 11, he came in again.

"Miranda, will you please tell us what you were going to say? We won't be mad, and I just told Dean what we were talking about before." He said with a slight expression in his voice that sounded like he was begging me to talk. I hated hearing that in him.

"Ok. Just don't get all pissed at me because of what I say." I replied. I couldn't stand having them pissed at me. Sam helped me out to the main room. Dean was sitting on the couch with an eager look on his face, something I didn't see too often.

"Ok. Just take your time. We just want to know why you're suddenly comparing yourself to us." Sam urged softly.

"Ok. I'm not suddenly comparing myself to you guys. I've been feeling this way for a long time. I want to just get it out, but I know you won't understand." I explained.

"We will try our best to understand. We just want to know what's going on." Dean added. Every ounce of truth was showing in his eyes and it helped me feel that they weren't there to get mad, they were just concerned.

"Alright. I'll tell you." I took a deep breath. All my self conscious thoughts were about to surface and I wasn't sure I wanted them to. I didn't want to see the pity in their eyes. "I compare myself to you guys because you guys are the best at everything and are nearly perfect at just about everything. I feel like I don't live up to you guys and I don't want to let you down. You guys are the best hunters in the business, I just screw hunts up. You guys find anything in just a few hours usually, but for me, it takes me days. You guys are two of the most caring people, yet I feel like I don't show people I care about them enough. You guys at least mention calling Ethan. I'm his mom and I can't even remember or take the time to give him a dang phone call. The other thing is, you guys have had girls falling for you for years. No, Sam I don't mean Maria, I mean before me, and you get flirted on constantly, and Dean has girls after him constantly. I had a few guys want me, but I've been rejected more times than you can count, and yet Sam of all people picks me. I just don't get how you could pick me over all the more perfect girls out there, all the more beautiful ones out there. You could have had someone who doesn't fight with you a lot and who doesn't put you in even more dangerous situations than you already are, but you didn't. It just makes no sense to me." They were quiet for a second thinking it over, but their eyes showed pity more than anything, and that is not something I wanted to see. "Can you quit that freaking look of pity? I don't want your pity it just makes me feel worse." I snapped.

Dean was the first to speak. "Miranda, we are not perfect or even good at everything. We've done so much bad over the years that it's almost hard to see the good. You don't have anything to live up to. You are your own person. Plus, if you're living up to us, you aren't gonna like what you become. It doesn't matter how fast we find a case as long as we do. You don't need to worry about that. About not being caring enough, you are the most caring person I know. You care about us more than anything or anyone. That is not something Sam and I get very often. Now I'll let Sam answer the rest of that." He said gently. He still had slight pity in his eyes but he showed more understanding of where I was coming from.

"Babe, first off, yes, I have had girls after me, but you know I shove them away because you are mine. I didn't pick you over all the more beautiful girls. I picked the most beautiful and perfect girl out of all of them. You may fight with me quite a bit, and you may increase the danger, but love isn't supposed to be easy. Love is a sacrifice. Love is a choice. I choose to love you despite the danger and fights, and I am sacrificing safety for your love. What I don't get is why you think you aren't beautiful or perfect, because to me, you are. You are the reason I smile and am happy again. You are the one I love and I chose you for that reason. You complete me, Miranda. So, my point is, I love you so much. You don't need to compare yourself to us because we are nowhere near perfect, and all 3 of us are completely different people. Please, most of all, don't doubt my love for you. It hurts when you do. I chose you, and that's not something I would ever take back." Sam spoke so poetically, so convincingly, and yet so gently, that I couldn't help the few tears that fell from my eyes. I truthfully wanted to run and hide into my room, but I could barely stand up so that wasn't an option.

"Sammy. I'm sorry. I've just been rejected more times than I can count. I know you love me. I shouldn't doubt that." I started.

"Why are you crying?" He asked softly as he rejoined me on the couch from his standing position. "I never even raised my voice."

"It hurts you that I was doubting how you could ever love me. I don't want to hurt you. I never want to, yet I do all the time. I told you that you wouldn't understand." I ranted out, the tears still falling at a steady rate.

~Sam's POV~

She was still crying hard. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her into me. She snuggled her head into the crook of my neck. She let out a groan here or there as pain flooded with her slight movements. "Shh. Shh. Relax. Calm down, it's ok. I'm not mad and never was. I understand completely. Shh. Shh. I love you so much. You don't need to be so hard on yourself. How long have you been feeling this way?" I asked. Dean stood there almost confused as to what to do. He didn't seem sure if this was my business or both of our business. I gave him a nod letting him know he could go do whatever he needed to.

"Since we started dating. It's been a problem for years. I've just kind of shoved it aside, and almost getting killed and almost getting you killed for the thousandth time made me go over the edge." She explained.

"Baby. I'm sorry. I didn't even realize this was a problem for you. Why didn't you tell me sooner?" I had no idea she had been feeling this way for so long.

"I didn't want to make you mad at how I felt." She spoke softly.

"I would never be mad at how you feel. You can't force a feeling to be there or not to be there. I just wish you had told me. I could have helped you through this a long time ago." I stated. I just wanted her to be ok.

"I know. I should have told you." There was a period of awkward silence. "Can I just go back to bed?" She asked amidst the tears.

"Sure." I replied as calmly as I could. I carried her back to bed. I laid her down and she snuggled under the covers. I started to head out, but she stopped me.

"Sam, wait." She said. I spun around to face her. "I really am sorry."

"Quit saying that." I replied. She didn't need to be so hard on herself. "It's ok. I love you."

"Love you too." She repeated quietly. I left the room. Dean went in as I exited.