A Moment Too Soon (Yaoi boyxboy)

The Letter

I stared at the blank sheet of paper in front of me...it was so empty and lifeless. I slowly clicked the pen and placed it at the top. I started with an 'N', then paused. Hesitation washed over me again, and I froze in my spot. Again, I glanced at my doorknob. It was locked, I was sure of that. I had checked it countless times. Down on the paper in front of me, there was still and 'N' on the paper. It had not disappeared, and it had not changed. I continued the word.

Nowaki

As I stared down at this name, I became sick with hatred for myself. Hatred for what I was doing, for what I was thinking. Hatred for him giving me such beautiful last days...for giving me a reason to regret everything. I moved down a line and began neatly printing what would be my last words to one person in the world.

I know what I'm doing. That doesn't mean it's right...but I understand what it means. I was happy. So, so happy, Nowaki. I often thought 'is this what happiness supposed to feel like? Am I supposed to feel at peace like this?'. That's exactly how I felt at times...like I had nothing in the world to worry about. The day we went to the river, and you taught me that horrid game where you dunked me until I got the color right? That was when I was happy. The first time you kissed me? That was when I was happy. When you simply smiled at me....I was happy.

My hand was shaking terribly and my words were starting to become slightly illegible. I paused to breathe for a second. I thought it would be much easier...but writing to Nowaki was the hardest thing I had ever done. I felt regret suffocating me with every word I wrote down. Maybe that's why I really felt as though I couldn't breathe. I placed my still slightly trembling hand back down and continued.

I have no right to apologize to you...but

But what? My mind drew a blank, but I knew the real reason I couldn't think of anything. There was so much I was sorry for, that I couldn't think of the right thing...so I began to scrawl anything I could before I had finally lost my ability to write due to my own fear.

I'm sorry I wasn't all there. I'm sorry I couldn't put a smile on my face for you. You always lit up the darkness that seemed to infect my breathing space...I wanted to smile for you. I couldn't find enough light to do it...The darkness that crushed my lungs and wouldn't let me express to you how much I wanted you. How much I needed you. It circulated through me, leading me to feel like light never existed in the first place. I forgot what light was. I tried so hard to reach it, and when I thought I might have reached it, I realized it was only that same darkness playing tricks on me over and over.

I sounded pathetic...

Nowaki, you were light. You were my personal version of that light itself. You never helped me 'find light', because you were the light. When you kissed me, darkness didn't exist in me. When you held me it was kept at bay, and when you were with me it stayed still...but it was still there. I can't really explain it...when I left your house I kept thinking 'Please don't ask me to stay. Don't ask me to come over another time. Don't tell me you love me.' because I knew if I heard something like that, I would wait to hear it one more time. I would wait to see you one more time. Those brief moments when I got to be with you were so bright and effortless...but the time in between made it so unbelievably hard to wait for.

He's not even going to read it...

All the waiting has exhausted me to a point that I won't be anything soon. I have no energy left to do anything anymore. I've grown so tired that I can't even find the breath to tell you that I love you. Though I love you, there's nothing left in me to love anymore, and there's nothing left in me to give anymore...

This is almost the end...I'm terrified...

Nowaki, don't forget me...but please don't remember me.

Love, Kida

That ending was worthless.

...How many times had I read this paper?