A Moment Too Soon (Yaoi boyxboy)

Nowaki

I felt aggravated and tired. It was enough to bring threatening stings to my eyes. They hadn't done anything particularly wrong...but I wanted to be left alone. I did try to mask the fact that I didn't want them around, but I couldn't, and they should have been able to see that. I blinked back my tears as I continued the walk back home. When I got back, if it looked like I'd been crying my Mom would worry. That was another thing I didn't really want to deal with.

It felt like I was being suffocated by people whenever I wanted to be left alone, and whenever I needed someone there, nobody was around. Or maybe I just wasn't accepting the people who were there. It was so stupid...unfair in every way. I kicked a rock off of the sidewalk, slapping myself mentally. I should have gone to the park with them. Instead, here I was running away from my problems like usual. I didn't know how to stop myself though.

Half the time I did anything, I didn't feel as though I was even in control of it. I would never have done that to my friends before, but I couldn't handle them for some reason. Was I being unnecessarily rude? My actions were a little justifiable...weren't they? No...I'd shut them out for so long that it was me who was being terrible. I felt a tear fall down my cheek then.

I wiped it away quickly and then forced the rest back as hard as possible. Unfortunately, that only seemed to make it worse, and more spilled from my eyes. I tried my best to keep from letting any sobs out, but it was a bit difficult. Since when had I become such a crybaby? When I reached my driveway, I bit my lip. My chest clenched again as I hurried across that horrid gravel and rushed inside the house. When I took my shoes off and turned around, my Mom was coming up the stairs.

Of course, I had failed at keeping myself from crying, and like I had predicted, she was worried. Her face twisted up into concern and she hurried over to me, then put her hand under my chin and said, "Sweetheart, what happened?" I looked at her face, and knew what was going to come out of my mouth, but I didn't try to stop myself.

"Nothing. I'm fine." It was snappy. I felt terrible for speaking to her rudely, but I wanted to be left alone, and she was always, always on my tail about this whole thing. I pulled my face away from her hand and tried to brush past her to go back upstairs to my room, but she grabbed my hand.

"Nowaki, please talk to me. Don't go back to your room and try to deal with it yourself." She was right. Everything she would say to me was right, but I couldn't bring myself to listen.

"No. It's nothing." I tried to pull away, but she held on. I felt that constricting feeling starting to creep further up my body again as she stared at me, and tears formed in my eyes again. Then she spoke again. This time, her words were dangerous.

"You won't get over Kida's death by locking yourself in your room and hiding, Nowaki." Her words caused my heart to shatter. I felt my chest physically ache as I stared her in the eyes with mine spilling tears. 

"...'get over it'?" My voice was horribly weak and shaky at first, but then I started to yell. "Get over it!?" I ripped my hand away from hers and she started to speak.

"I-" She hardly began before I cut her off, angry and in tears.

"I've been trying to get over it for months! I've listened to all of your stupid lectures, and done what you asked me to all this time! I've tried to live my life normally, but it isn't easy! I lost someone important to me, and you keep expecting me to just 'get over it'! I'm not one of your stupid therapy patients, so stop trying to help me! Leave me alone!" I turned away and ran up the stairs, slamming my bedroom door behind me.

She didn't call out to me, or try to stop me. My tears quickly turned from anger, into guilt, and then into sadness. That was terrible of me to do to my Mother. I knew she probably hadn't meant it in a spiteful way, but I couldn't take back what I said now...my words must have cut her pretty deeply. I'd never snapped at her like that before, and I regretted it so much that I felt nauseous. I didn't know how I was going to apologize to her...I didn't even have the courage to do it.

I hated myself for being like this.