A Moment Too Soon (Yaoi boyxboy)

Nowaki

The tears that welled in my eyes spilled the moment I reached the rooftop. That kid...why did he have to remind me so much of Kida? It wasn't fair. What had I done to deserve this kind of torture? I threw my bag down on the ground as I curled up in my spot, right next to where Kida used to sit. I let my sobs out, knowing that nobody would hear them up here.

I cried until my head pounded in pain, and I couldn't breathe through my nose at all. My face hurt too, but I didn't care. I felt so exhausted by everything, and I just wanted to sleep. Even after I heard the bell ring for lunch, I didn't move. I was going to just skip the rest of class and stay on the rooftop. Hopefully none of my friends would say anything to the teachers and they wouldn't come up here to bring me back to class.

I laid in the silence for a moment, staring out over the top of the school. Slowly, I sat up. I ignored the painful throbbing in my temples as I reached out and touched the spot where Kida always sat. I swapped positions and laid with my head in his spot. I clenched my fists as I spoke to the empty air around me.

"I'm sorry..." I repeated it over and over as I laid there. "I'm sorry for not being able to save you. I'm sorry for not being enough for you, Kida...and for not stopping you from leaving my house that day...I wanted to. I didn't...I didn't say anything...I should have been able to see that you were hurting. I'm so sorry..." My apologies were useless and pathetic, and it made me feel even worse, but I didn't know what else to do.

After a long, long time, I finally had stopped crying and I was quiet. My thoughts began to gather a little more clearly, and I realized that I had left Elisa's poor cousin just standing there at lunch. I was so desperate to get away that I didn't say anything at all...I just left. I just didn't want to see him smiling so brightly at me...it was too much. It reminded me too much of him...I just broke down.

He probably thought I was a huge jerk for doing that. It wasn't his fault that I was selfish and reacted so rudely. As I sat there thinking, I began to wonder if he even knew anything about me. Had Elisa told him about what happened, or was he completely oblivious?

Either way, it wasn't something I really wanted to go into. He would probably find out one day if he hadn't already...maybe he would ask one of my friends why I was so rude all the time. The thought made me laugh internally. Me? Rude? I suppose I was now...I didn't want to be...it was just so hard now. I was usually pretty good at keeping my feelings to myself, but this was a pretty big blow...I didn't know if I could ever heal from it. It certainly didn't feel like I could.

I would have to try harder to be kinder to my friends. Maybe if I worked harder at living my life normally, I would be able to keep from doing things like this. If I started to feel that suffocating air around me, I would just focus on something else and push through it. I could at least do that, couldn't I? For my friends, and my Mom...then again, saying I could do it and actually doing it were two entirely different things. I knew that once that feeling started to creep up on me, it would swallow me whole. Just like it had today, or the day I saw Elisa on my way to the park, or any other day before that.

"Stupid..." I muttered as I clenched my fists again. It was so stupid...I didn't know how to get out of this endless, painful cycle, and it made me so angry. Maybe I did need medication or something. It was obvious that I couldn't get out of this myself, and I wouldn't let anyone help me for some unknown, ridiculous reason.

No, no, no...I didn't need medication. I just needed more time. It hadn't even been a year yet, so I couldn't give up already. That would only make me feel weak...if I was ever going to truly heal from this, I needed to do it on my own. I sighed as my thoughts trailed back to Yuuichi. I was going to have to apologize for what I did...I really hoped that he would let me explain and accept the apology. Though, I wouldn't blame him if he didn't...