Taming Life

I'm a mess

She let go of me after a minute and we went inside together. She ran upstairs, and I followed behind her. She ran to her bed, and then sat there and looked up at me with a sad look in her eyes. She outstretched her arms a little, wanting me to cuddle her, and I sat down next to her and let her cuddle up against me. She cried into me for a while, and I stroked her hair, giving her kisses every now and again. I didn't say anything; I knew that she didn't want to talk right now. It just broke me to see her like this. I was trying not to cry myself. Whoever did this was such a low life. How could anyone hurt her like this? Whoever they were, they were messed up.

"I'm sorry for being such a mess." Alex said, sitting up a little and wiping her eyes with her sleeve. I caught her hands in mine and looked at her.

"You're not a mess at all baby girl." I said, and I kissed her forehead gently. She cuddled into me, sighing.

"I know you want to know what happened, it's just...I can't." Alex said, looking like she was about to cry again. Her voice cracked as she said the last word.

"It's okay. Just tell me in your own time princess." I said, taking one of her hands in mine and rubbing my thumb over it gently. I didn't want to upset her, seeing her like this was so horrible.

"I don't even deserve you." She said, sighing.

"You do, Al. I'm the one who doesn't deserve you." I said. I was telling the truth, she was this incredible person, I was nothing compared to her. I'd wondered many times why she was with me when she could have anyone she wanted. I wasn't exactly anything special. She just shook her head, her eyes brimming with tears. I pulled her against my chest and let her cry on me, holding her tight and rubbing her back as the sobs shook her, in such a way that I had to fight tears.

"You don't understand. I bring drama with me. This is all my own fault. You're going to get sick of me. I'll end up hurting you." She said, pointing to her eye.

"How could it be your fault? I could never get sick of you. Ever. And you couldn't hurt me. You love me, I know you would never hurt me." I said gently. I was shaking.

"I just brought this on myself. I shouldn't have acted like I did. I was stupid. And I will make you sick of me. I do it to everyone. I hurt everyone too." She said, sniffing and sighing.

"No you haven't. You can't have brought this on yourself. Whoever has done this to you is sick. You won't make me sick of you. That could never happen. Now baby. Who did this to you?" I asked, taking a deep, shaky breath.

"My dad." She whispered, and I was shocked.

"That fucking...." I said, wanting to cry or scream or hit something.

"Stop." She said, taking my hand. I didn't even realise that it was balled in a fist until she uncurled each of my fingers.

"He just...got angry at me. It was my fault." She said. Her voice was shaky, it made me madder. And more upset.

"What happened?" I whispered, still shaking.

"I was listening to music too loudly, he shouted upstairs for me to turn it down. But I didn't hear him. I had it coming to me." She said. I was shocked, I didn't know what to say.

"Has...has he hit you before?" I asked, barely able to get the words out. She nodded, and tears started streaming silently down my cheeks. I pulled Alex as close to me as possible, sobbing quietly into her.

"How could he." I kept saying, over and over again. She kissed my wet cheeks, my forehead, my lips.

"I'm okay though." She said, and she smiled. But it didn't reach her eyes.

"You're not. And you deserve better." I whispered the last part. We cuddled quietly for a few hours. She fell asleep on me after a while, and I sat stroking her hair softly. How could anyone hurt her? Why would he hurt her? Every time I thought of leaving her in this house, for this to happen again, it made me want to cry. And every time I thought of him hitting her, screaming at her, my throat burned. All I could see was the heartbroken look in her eyes when she'd answered the door. I couldn't bear to think of her being so scared. So alone. I couldn't ever let that happen again. She woke up a while later, and smiled when she saw me looking at her. I still couldn't quite see the smile reaching her eyes though. And it made me want to curl up into a ball and cry, and protect her against anything and everything that she would face in her life that could hurt her.

"What are you looking at?" She said, giggling.

"Nothing, just this insanely beautiful girl." I said, and she smiled.

"You're too cute, come here." She said, kissing me. I kissed her back, and I wished that I could replay this moment over and over again. So that we could both stay happy forever. So that she never had to be scared again, or get hit at again. I wanted to taste her sweet lips against mine for the rest of eternity.

"When will it get easier Hazel?" Alex asked, in a small voice that broke my heart.

"Soon baby. I won't let you get hurt. I care about you way too much for that." I said. Alex looked into my eyes and I looked into hers. And I ached because she was so beautiful. Inside and out. She was a beautiful, incredible person. You never tired of looking at her, and she always made you heart skip a beat, regardless of anything. She had this way of looking at you that made you feel like, in that moment, you were the only two people in the world, and the only two people who mattered. She looked at you like she was looking into your soul, like she knew everything about you. And when she looked into my eyes like that, it reminded me all over again just why I cared about her so much.

"Hazel?" She whispered.

"Yes, gorgeous?" I whispered back.

"I'm in love with you." She said, and I smiled. My heart was hammering in my chest, and I could feel tears started to brim in my eyes.

"I'm in love with you too." I said, pulling her to me. I kissed her, passionately and deeply. I wanted the kiss to tell her just how much I loved her. How I didn't know when or how, but I'd fallen in love with her. The kind of love that takes a second to fall into, and a lifetime to get over.

"I love you I love you I love you." Alex said against my lips, smiling. I smiled too, wishing harder than I'd ever wished anything that this smile could remain on her face always. Wishing that it was reaching her eyes, like it always does.

"I love you too. Which is why I'm going to look after you." I whispered, pulling her into me protectively.