Taming Life

Nervousness and starting again

*A/N I'm really sorry for not updating in ages! I moved house so things were hectic for a few weeks and my laptop broke so it's been difficult to update. And I'm busy with A levels and work and everything so I haven't had very much time to write! But I promise that I'll try and update as often as possible, and make sure that I don't go months without updating again. Also I apologise that the layout of this might not be great, I'm having to update from my phone. But I hope you enjoy the chapter! And sorry again.*

I left the canteen straight away, with people watching me as I did. I knew that some of them still judged me but I had to admit that it felt good to know that they knew I wasn't just some obsessive person now. I was grateful to Alex for that.
I walked down as quickly as possible, knowing that there wasn't very much time left before the lunch break was over, and we had things to say to one another. As soon as the bike sheds came into view, though, I started to feel nervous. My heart was pounding. I was happy that Alex had stood in front of everyone like that and been so brave by telling the truth. It was very romantic. But did this mean I even forgave her, let alone wanted to get back together with her? I wasn't so sure. A lot had changed in the past few weeks and we hadn't even looked at each other very much in that amount of time, let alone seen each other and talked to each other. I missed her though, I knew that much. I kept thinking of every time over the past few weeks that something had happened or I'd seen something and wanted to talk to Alex about it. Every time I'd gone to sleep wishing I was with her, wishing I had a goodnight message from her. I thought of every English lesson where I'd wanted to sit closer to her, to talk to her about the task. I thought of every time I'd thought of her and realised that the past few weeks had mostly been one long thought about Alex.
As I got to the bike sheds, Alex was sat on the floor, and I could hear her crying a little still. She looked like she was thinking, as until I coughed she didn't look up at me.
"Hazel, I-" she started.
"I know. I know." I said, starting to cry. I ran to her and threw my arms around her as if I hadn't seen her for years. It felt like I hadn't. Hugging her like that brought everything back and my heart was pounding. I could smell her, that familiar, safe smell. We held each other so tightly and I leant into her shoulder, never wanting to let go.
"I've missed you." She whispered, and I nodded, kissing her shoulder.
"I missed you too." I said, choking a little. Slowly we pulled apart and walked over to lean against the wall of the bike shed, holding hands. I ran my thumb over hers as I looked at her.
"Al we have a lot to talk about, a hell of a lot. What you did was incredible, and I can't believe that you would do all of that for me and sacrifice your image and everything. And I've missed you so so much. But we can't just let this go like this. We need time to talk about everything and see what we both want. Is that okay with you?" I asked, looking up at her. I wiped her wet cheeks and she smiled a little, shakily.
"Of course it is. I just want whatever you want. So if you think we need to talk then we'll talk. When is good with you?" Alex asked.
"Are you free to come over after school?" I asked, and she nodded.
"Yeah, I could meet you here if you wanted me too?" She asked, and I nodded and smiled.
"That's good with me. And please don't panic Alex, you made a mistake, and yes it was a big mistake but we're human. If it's meant to be we can work this out. I just don't want you to overthink this this afternoon, okay?" I said, worrying that she'd get herself worked up over everything. She nodded, seeming calmer. As the bell went for the end of lunch, I hugged her tightly once more and she clung to me, before we moved away and went our separate ways for form.

Biology seemed to last forever that afternoon. I had never found biology interesting; I was a little squeamish and we tended to do a lot of dissections which grossed me out. I'd thrown up a few times and the teacher knew now to send me out of the class to do other work when dissections were happening. I was much happier for it. Today though, we were watching a documentary and it had to be the most boring thing in the world. Everyone was struggling to stay awake, even the girl I sat next to, Sarah who got top grades and loved biology. The video made the lesson go so slowly, and I found myself checking the clock every two minutes and overthinking what would happen with Alex. I still wasn't entirely sure how I felt or whether we could even be friends but I wanted to be hopeful. I didn't want her to get her hopes up either, in case I just couldn't see her. I'd feel awful if that was what ended up happening. I so wanted us to work out though, and I knew that once we started talking I'd have a better idea of how I felt.
When the bell went I jumped a little, but smiled. I rushed to pack my things, literally throwing my textbook into my bag and not even bothering to shut it; I was so desperate just to meet Alex and work this whole thing out.
I found myself playing with my fingers somewhat as I walked down to meet her, anxious about how things could still turn out badly. I didn't want that to happen but it could. And what if we ended up in another argument? I hated arguing, especially with her. Alex was there when I got there and we smiled at each other, but now I was anxious about another thing. What if we didn't have anything to say the whole way back to mine? How awkward would that be?
"So how was biology? No gross dissections this time?" Alex asked, looking at me. I was relieved that she'd initiated the conversation.
"It was boring as hell. Mr Chambers put on the most boring documentary in the world. Even Sarah was falling asleep!" I said, laughing.
"Wow, that's when you know it's bad." Alex said, giggling too.
"I'm pretty sure he only put it on to mark work anyway. He spends half of the lessons marking other classes work, I swear he's just too lazy to bring it home and do it." I said, rolling my eyes.
"It still sounds better than the lesson I just had. Miss Angel had us doing some experiment and I was on my own because everyone else had partners and I'd rather not be in a three with Josh and James. So I was doing the experiment and everything was fine but then I read a measurement wrong and put in way too much acid, and suddenly it starts bubbling up everywhere and Miss Angel was not impressed. I spent the rest of the lesson clearing it up and the classroom reeks. Oops?" She said, and I laughed.
"Why am I not even surprised at you?" I said, giggling. It was like the last few weeks hadn't even happened.