Taming Life

What conversation?

She kept leaning in, closing her eyes. All I could do was stare at her lips, frozen. This was all wrong, so so wrong. This wasn't supposed to be happening. Her lips were starting to pucker. Her elbow was leant against my chest, entirely on purpose. I could smell her perfume strongly. I could even smell her lip gloss. Too close. Too close. Way too close. This was certainly not what I wanted.

"Lily what are you doing?!" I asked, backing away a little nervously. I coughed awkwardly. Lily opened her eyes and took her hand from my chin, blushing furiously.

"I-I'm sorry. I think I convinced myself a little....sorry. I was being crazy. You'd never want me." Lily said, laughing nervously. She had tears in her eyes and I instantly felt bad. I put my arms around her and she cried into my chest.

"Hey, hey it's okay. Look you're pretty and funny, and such a good friend. I just...I don't feel that way about you. And I'm sorry for it. I'm still hurting over Alex as well. I love her." I said, and Lily sniffed. I felt bad for making her cry, but I had to be honest. I couldn't have kissed her, or pretended to have feelings that simply weren't there.

"I know you do. I can see it in the way you look at her. I just like you a lot, Hazel. I'm surprised you didn't n-notice." Lily said, hiccupping from crying. She looked up at me.

"I'm oblivious to these things. I didn't know that Alex had feelings for me, and I don't even know how she feels now. I'm a mess; I couldn't be with anyone right now." I said, sighing. I couldn't stand Lily looking at me like that either. I could see the desperation in her eyes, the sad look of someone with a broken heart. I was pretty sure that I was wearing a similar look permanently at the moment.

"You're not a mess. You're going through heartbreak, that doesn't make you a mess. You're beautiful." Lily said. It was supposed to comfort me, but it did the opposite. It made me feel guilty for unintentionally hurting her, and it made me sad. Only Alex could call me beautiful, and yet she was probably never going to call me it ever again.

"Thank you." I said, sighing.

"And you deserve so much better than Alex." She said, and I smiled slightly. I didn't care what anyone thought though. I still wanted to be with Alex, and it hurt that I couldn't be.

We talked for a while more. We got onto the conversation of sexuality, and it was good to be able to talk to someone who was in the same sort of situation as me.

"I think you're brave for coming out." Lily said. I shrugged.

"I don't see it as brave. I think it was pretty reckless and stupid really. But I didn't do it to be brave, I did it because I didn't want to lie like Alex did. I'd rather be hated for who I am than mildly accepted for who I'm not. I like girls. I'm gay, I'm lesbian. And I'm proud of that. I think I've known for a while as well. I've always admired girls, daydreamed about them. I thought I was just jealous of them. And I mean, I was. But I was attracted to them too." I said, and Lily nodded.

"I feel the same. I accepted it about a year ago but I haven't really told anyone. I guess I'm bisexual, I mean I have a mild attraction to boys but I don't think I'd ever really be with one. I'm sexually attracted to them, but not romantically. With girls it's just...a whole other level of attraction." Lily blushed. I had a feeling that she'd never really admitted these things to herself properly before, let alone out loud. It made me feel special, and it was still awkward because she liked me and because I'd never had this kind of conversation with anyone before, but it was new and I liked this level of intimacy, a platonic one. I made sure to sit far enough away from her to ensure that it stayed platonic as well. I didn't want to hurt her anymore.