Taming Life

Alex

*Alex's POV*

I woke up, my muscles aching. I had become used to getting little sleep, it was hard to get to sleep with everything that had been going on with me. I got maybe three hours sleep, and that was on a good day. I'd been almost falling asleep in school. I looked at the time and sighed, remembering that I had school. I wished I didn't. I always saw Hazel, which was hard. It reminded me that I messed everything up. And it reminded me that I didn't have her. I wished that I had her more than ever.

I went to wash my face from the tears of the night before and brush my teeth. I didn't have very much motivation to do so, I was lethargic and recently I hadn't had any motivation to do anything. I saw the bruise on my arm and sighed. Dad had been in a bad mood last night and taken it out on me. I wanted to escape him; he'd been stricter than ever recently and drinking more. This meant that things got taken out on me. I still wasn't properly healed from when he found me and Hazel in bed together. My body was spotted in bruises in various places at the moment. 

Maybe this was just karma for being a bad person, I thought to myself as I brushed out my tangled hair and pulled it into a ponytail without much effort. What was the point in putting in any effort anyway? I put on my uniform and looked at my phone, not that I had any messages. I found myself on Hazel's facebook page, as I ashamedly often did. She'd been seeing Calum a lot but nothing was ever on there. I didn't know why I bothered checking it but something just made me. I had to check up on her, even if I knew I didn't have the right to. I still felt responsible for her and I missed her so much. I just wanted to fix everything but I didn't know how, and the scariest part was that I was worried we were past the point of just being fixed anymore. If we were then I'd managed to make a mistake so big that I'd never stop regretting it.

I left the house quickly so that I didn't have to see dad. I never said goodbye to my parents anymore. I wanted to say goodbye to mum but that would mean I was more likely to run into dad. And part of me was mad at her. She was such a coward; she did nothing about dad hurting me. He hurt me far more than he hurt her and I knew that for a fact. What kind of person just sits back and lets their daughter take that? I didn't even know anymore. I'd left without breakfast as well. I did that most days now. I didn't eat very much in general; I just didn't feel the appeal of food. I knew that I was losing weight but I just didn't care. What was the point in caring about anything to do with myself? I was a bad person, what was the point in staying healthy anyway.

I put in earphones and put on a Taylor Swift playlist. Admittedly I did this every day. I knew that Hazel loved her and it made me relate to her, and feel close to her. I also related to a lot of the music myself, especially Back To December recently. I related to regretting everything that had happened. I could see more and more every day why she meant so much to Hazel, she was relatable and her music was catchy and suited you for any mood that you were in. She was also a good person, unlike me.

When I got to school I hung around my locker for a while, pretending to look for books. I looked at my phone every few minutes to check the time and try and guess when Hazel would get here. And then all of a sudden she was here, walking through the door. My breath caught in my throat when I saw her with Lily, immediately feeling my cheeks heat up in jealousy. I wanted to be her. Lily said something and Hazel laughed. My heart beat faster when I heard her laugh, it was such a happy sound and she was still Hazel. The Hazel I fell in love with and was still so in love with. Hazel grabbed Lily's arm as she laughed and I felt a lump in my throat. They were just friends right? Surely Hazel can't have moved on just like that? The thoughts of it made tears prick in my eyes. And that's when she looked at me. She looked me in the eyes and stopped laughing. She must be able to see the pain in my eyes. Did she still love me? Did she feel anything? I saw sadness in her. Sadness because of me. For a second I thought that she wanted to talk to me, I really did. And then she turned back to Lily and they walked away. She didn't even go to her locker, and she always went to her locker. All because of me.