Explanation

I'm Fat

(I'm about to post a couple of parts that may be triggering. Please don't think of me differently after i do. If you want to read, you don't have to. These two parts, this being one of them, were written months apart.)

I'm fat.

No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

I'm fat. Not just chubby or mildly overweight.

I am 150 pounds overweight.

It doesn't bother me much.

Well, not more than it does other people when they look at their own body.

I'll look at other girls and think, "I wish I had her waist, or her hair, or her legs."

Sometimes I think about how it would feel to be skinny, or fit.

I'll look at how my stomach moves and how wide I look, both from the front and the side.

I'll look at my thighs and compare how wide they are to how wide one of friend's legs are.

I'll start thinking about how people look at me now and how they would look at me if I was in shape. I'll start thinking about if someone would find me more attractive now or if I was thin.

People look at me now with a mixture of disgust, pity, and judgment. They try not to look for more than a few seconds, but I see it. I see the way they start thinking about what's wrong with me or why I look the way I do. I see them comparing themselves to me and I can see them making the decision that they've won in that department.

I see guys look at me and think that they wouldn't date me or get to know me. It's different with girls, since I don't know if they're looking at me out of observation or out of interest. It's always the same pitying look.

Some people try to be my friend and then will see that I'm not really worth the hassle. They'll stop talking to me after a while, they always do. They discover that the fat girl isn't interesting or funny.

What's worse is when they'll keep talking to me, but I know they don't actually care. They'll put in some effort, but you can tell they're not really there. You can tell that they're only being polite.

Also, I can hear every whisper someone says. They may or may not be about me, but they feel like they are.

The looks people give me sometimes just make me want to  yell at them to look away.

I once had someone tell me that they couldn't imagine me being thin, which is the weirdest thing to me.

Because that's the only way I want imagine myself.

I'm fat.

And I fucking hate it.