Snow

Chapter Sixteen

Six-ish months later

I was completely frantic as I searched for my cigarettes. "What're you looking for?" Andy asked, scrunching up his forehead as I rifled through the drawer, papers falling out as I looked.

"Where the fuck are my cigarettes?" I all but yelled, tugging on the ends of my hair as I practically turned the kitchen upside down in my search. "Goddammit!" I growled, resting my forehead against the cool surface and closing my eyes, forcing myself to breathe deeply. "Can I have a smoke?" I breathed, turning to see Andy.

He nodded, his eyes wide with shock from the fit I'd just thrown, and threw the packet to me. "Just smoke in here, I'll have a look for your pack." I shot him a grateful smile and took out a cancer stick with shaky hands. When I'd failed to light it more than four times, Andy came over and took the lighter from me. "Lala, baby, are you okay?" His voice was soft as he handed me the now lit cigarette.

As soon as I took a drag, I felt myself instantly calm slightly. Closing my eyes and leaning against the fridge, I took a shaky breath and breathed in more smoke. "Now I am. I haven't had a smoke in over two days." His eyes widened in understanding and he kissed my forehead, going back to searching for my pack.

When he'd finally found them, I'd stubbed the cancer stick out and started on another, making myself a flask of coffee as he threw the box in my direction. "Thanks Batman - you're a life saver." He just shot me a crooked grin and put the lid on my flask, leading me to the front door.

"And you said I'd make us late." He said, laughing quietly as I smacked his arm and got into the car. "I'll drive; you just smoke, okay?" I nodded and thanked him, opening the window and leaning through it to blow out a mouthful of smoke. "Seriously though, what's wrong?" I could feel his eyes on me as I avoided his gaze.

"Nothing, I just needed a smoke. That's all." I knew he wouldn't believe me - the boy knew me better than basically anyone else. He definitely knew when I was lying.

"Babe, you know you can tell me if anything's wrong, don't you? I won't judge, I won't yell, I won't even speak if you don't want me to. I just... I need to know you're okay." He threaded his fingers through mine and I relaxed a little, turning to face him.

"You promise? You can't get angry, or yell at me, or tell me I was wrong to keep this from you..." He nodded immediately and I took a deep breath, readying myself to tell him. When he squeezed my hand tightly, I looked at him. "I know you love me, but you're not allowed to change your mind about that when I tell you this, okay?" He was getting more worked up with every word I spoke, I could tell just by feeling the tension in his hand.

"Okay, well... When you were on tour, something happened. And it's kinda good in one way, but awful in basically every other way. And I knew I had to tell you but I just wasn't ready and you're not allowed to hate me-"

"Lala, you're rambling. I'm gonna pull over so we can talk properly." I nodded and waited for the car to stop, taking the time to catch my breath and slow my heart down. "Okay, now tell me." He said, turning to face me fully and crossing his legs on his chair.

When I spoke, it was so quiet and quick that I don't think either of us were sure what I'd said. He told me to calm down, squeezing my hands and making me take a deep breath. "Okay, now try again." He spoke slowly and quietly, his voice lower because of the low volume.

"Whilst you were on tour, I had a miscarraige." This time we both heard, and I stiffened when his grip on my hands slackened.

"Wh- what?" He was shaking, badly, but then again so was I. I just nodded, my eyes full of tears as I avoided his gaze. "When? How? What happened? How far al-"