Snow

Chapter Eleven

It had been two months since I'd last seen Laura and I could tell that the people I was touring with were getting sick and tired of me. The only time I really smiled was when I was on stage - I was getting better at channelling my emotions into the music I played. The only time I was truly happy - or as close as I could get - was when I was performing.

"Okay, I'm done walking on eggshells around you." Ali said, hands on her hips as I walked out of the bathroom. I think they'd all heard me crying. "I want to know what's wrong with you. Are you pregnant?" My eyes widened and I shook my head quickly, glancing away from them. "Then what's wrong with you?"

In all honesty, I'd expected someone to crack eventually. Them ignoring the problem would only last for so long - every single person on this bus had a damn short fuse. "I'm just going through a rough patch, okay? I'll be back on my feet soon enough." I wrapped my arms around myself and stood up straight, my posture showing both my sadness and my determination to keep them away from knowing the cause of it.

She shook her head, cocking her hip and looking me in the eye. "No, it's not okay. If you're going through a 'rough patch', we all deserve to know why." At this point, everyone was watching us. Her voice had softened slightly when she next spoke. "You deserve better than to have to suffer in silence, Leggy. If you need our help, we are happy to give it. You know that."

I picked at the fluff on my sweater's sleeve, trying to hold back the tears at the look of understanding and concern on her face. "I can't." I whispered, my voice cracking as I kept the tears from slipping down my cheeks. Her eyes widened at my words but she didn't say anything. "I just can't." This time, I couldn't keep the tears back - they fell from my eyes without me having any control over them.

Shutting my eyes, I waited for her to yell, and only reopened them when I received no response. She was just stood there looking at me, seemingly sad and pissed off at the same time. I just shook my head and walked straight back into the bathroom.

*

Someone was knocking on the bathroom door and I could hear them calling my name and asking me to come out. I couldn't bring myself to listen to their voice, and I continued to cry into my hands.

I hadn't been able to get his death off of my mind. I hadn't been to see his parents, I hadn't been to his grave, I wasn't there to help his girlfriend - instead, I was off touring and singing and trying to forget about what had happened. Thomas would hate me if he knew me now.

Except, he wouldn't. Thomas was the sort of person who would've encouraged me to continue touring - to leave him and all his memories behind. He would've told me that it was perfectly okay for me to be happy, even if everyone else wasn't. He would've told me to keep him and his family 'in my prayers' and to help Laura as much as I could, no matter where I was. He would've been happy for me, and angry that I wasn't making the most of this experience. Thomas was the kind of person who would've been okay with whatever I was doing, so long as it didn't hurt me.

I got up off of the floor, knowing that I was being a complete hypocrite. I'd told Laura that Thomas would hate what she was doing to herself - falling apart and forgetting to take care of herself - and I was doing the exact same thing. I hadn't had a proper conversation with anyone but Laura in days, and I couldn't remember the last time I'd had a proper meal. I ate snacks and drank coffee to keep myself awake, but I hadn't sat down to eat food since I'd found out. My band mates and all of Black Veil Brides were royally pissed with me, and Andy could barely even look me in the eye. I'd been ignoring them all, and so it hadn't mattered to me if they didn't answer a question or say good morning - it just meant that I'd get more time on my own.